its alright to talk to people who understand

but what happens when no one does understand?

just take it now leave me

ran me off the road,
The wait is over
I'm now taking over,
You're no longer laughing
I'm not drowning fast enough.

Now every time that I look at myself
"I thought I told you
this world is not for you"

i want to be reborn

in to a diffrent world
and take away the imballence
strike me dead
stop my heart
better off.

[pill]ows

[Pill]ow Talk and tears makes me fall asleep at night and debate with myself what my future holds. You see I am the epitome of failure. I am nothing but failure and let downs, shaped by lies and the bull shit advice. The foreboding feeling that I am losing control again, going to lost it, going to lose it. Depression has an end in the most horrible way, ignore the signs, ignore the cries, ignore me falling deeper and deeper. The world goes dark outside, everything I love turns to dirt, when I look out my window I see lights and skies glowing with lights from city beyond the hills. It doesn’t matter because everything is going dark, everything is starting to fade away from me, it crept up whispering my name and stripped me. It came for everything, and laughed as I cried in to my [pill]ow for the sake of my mistakes. I wouldn’t leave myself alone in a room for fear that I would do something stupid when everything goes black. Everything is perfect best tonight is what I tell the world while the world falls apart, I want to walk with my head held high even though no one knows my name. Don’t you know you won the war again? I see what is going on and see what they mean when there isn’t any hope left in me.

The only place I feel at home is crammed into a room with two thousand other people screaming and shouting and screaming until my throat is raw to a rock band, that I should know better than putting my hope in to. Never put your hope on anything, lesson learned. My mind plays games with itself I hear voices screaming at me and I find myself wondering am I doing insane? I’ve got no good in me for anybody. I’ve been ruined by the lies they told so everyone gather round and laugh as my world collapses, its so desperately sad that it has come to this, sad hope that there is something better than this for you. I have dumb ideologies. I used to think I had something ok to say. I keep my mouth shut now. I don’t talk. I don’t communicate. Cutting myself off from the world.

Pushing back the boundaries to where they belong close to my heart, today I was wrong again, once more everyone put your hands together. Don’t waste you sympathy because I made this all, I live my life between the cracks, I slip though the system, I lose I know I always do, always will. I’m hoping before I die I make it up. I live my life without myself in it now, I am autopilot. Plane pilot. Plane crash. Plain crash. Why can’t anyone see? Tired and pushed to the side. Broken whenever I try. Can’t get up again and let everything trickle of my back, can’t try again, I’m letting go. Go to pieces again. Go to peace again but I need you more than I ever did. I need you all the time.

I look at the world and find my self so angry, so desperately sick, along and frightened by all that I see, there isn’t a good heart in me. Dead bolts and steal plates. Cut me off from the noise outside and stop me from leaving, its pointless and worthless to deny that I am scared, that I am scarred, that I am worthless. The fences and walls I have built are being reinforced, lonely and broken, the forgotten, the hidden condition is misunderstood. Illuminate the lights of those who feel the same.

Tired radios play tired songs over and over again same and same, it gets harder every day and it chokes me, I decided I look good in blue. I don’t know what to say, my mind grows weak every time I close my eyes, I can’t control this anymore. When push comes to shove I am alone, I am on my own in my head, there isn’t anyone else out there who can take this away from me, this fucking. I get on the train on my own and my mind spins along with the wheels, watching trees, roads, cattle farms go by and I know I’m close and closer to getting home and hiding in my room again, hide away from the world – shut off. They still laugh at me, they still tease me because of the way I am, every day is the same, this is the same as high school. They don’t care about me, you don’t care. I don’t care anymore. A l o n e.

running a w a y

Lost in time, lost in space time makes me want to pull my hair out and flip out. Clean my heart out and leave me sterile inside, want to feel nothing, want to be closed to the world and be alone. I can’t stand to see faces, feeling the inevitable crash after the high, should have stayed parallel. Make the tears stop I cry in to the pillow hoping that the chemical imbalances inside will even out like mother nature intended them to. Want to go on in live without the burden of this, why did it happen to me? why did I end up like this? I am nothing in reality, I am some shitty kid who has her dreams set too high, who aims too high, who misses every time. I am lost I am debt. Clap my hands and turn around, magic spell, magic well. “drowing out I feel I’m passing out, the music’s louder now.”

Blow my mind and shot my heart.

Im falling to deep.

Captain

I’m having the feeling I’m failing at everything I am ever doing, my life is just one bar of notes ticking away in the background, my lifes a haze, like a tumble back fall blast from the past comes back to haunt. The shining sun is lost, and all the lines blur together. I can’t let the sun in even if I try, I can’t let my broken voice speak out, I forget it entered my life. I want to stair at the ocean and not be afraid to bring it to life. Sometimes I can’t bear the words that come out but I can’t stand to make it stop. Every time it’s a whisper and every time I’m in the frontline I’m alive. I don’t want that night to stop. Do you hear it, do you hear the only sound? No more wishing to escape I don’t want that night to stop. No more waiting no more wishing from the top it’s a glorious town.