Quick Fade.

Let me drift away with music in my ears, find the colours and play in your mind like a play when conversation has run dry. It all passes by in the blink of an eye you know, I feel as if I’m isolated even in a room of people, I feel only does no one get that, I guess in a strange way I want to be nothing more than you could ever imagine. I don’t know what people see in my I am nothing special, I am merely a hypocritical noise that mutters away in the background of your brain. That little voice that you try to make shut up and still you aim to be what it tells you to be. What they think you should be am I am no difference. Don’t get excited and think “hey shes different” I’m the same as every one of you mother fuckers out their you just don’t know it. I’m just as lazy, or rather in most cases even more lazy. I may be a little heardheaded and argumentative, but that is my down fall.

Most of all none of you seem to realise what a bitch I can be, what the damage this time round. I’m feeling like I can’t go on, can’t go on this way, I’d love to flip back one hundred pages and let the broken letters fade. Another moments lost again to the wind, but there is always the “hey, hey, heys” to pull you though, wither you like it or not. There isn’t too much left of me anymore. I know I say this all the time but I am the biggest fake of all, I know none of you bother to click this page and regularly check updates. I guess that’s why I can write to abruptly, without mercy about myself. How can you be my friend when I am not even a friend of my own. Truth is I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I hate who I am. I hate what I look like. I hate myself, and if I can’t even like myself it makes me wonder am I a proper friend to you? Do I treat you with the respect I think you deserve I’m sure I don’t I don’t think I treat any of you properly, if I could I would make alright for you all, and make everything better, and that’s what I should be doing. I’m consumed by fixing everything.

I want to hear and see smiles again, smiles that I have brought…because I cant make myself smile, maybe I can make up for it by making you smile once in a while. That might balance it out a bit.

Expendable

Not so much realism more the unreal of the up and down, more the disorientation and the fact that I’m not quite sure where everything is anymore, its not like I want to think like that, can’t help it, medicated harmonies sing in my head and its off key again. Its everything I want to not be, everything I would rather not be. Save me from my self and sing me to sleep, I’ll take this to my grave if you take it to yours, but I doubt you will. Just the lucky unlucky I hit the few highs every now and then but its not worth the hassle, I can laugh but I’m never sure inside if it is real. I seem to take the highs along side a huge dose of pessimistic infection. I’m sick with it. I can take a day like to day and turn it around in to how the hell am I going to fall again. There isn’t much left, there isn’t much at all inside. I’m cold turkey and this is the hardest thing I have every done. If I look back and think that I did all this shit on my own what else can I do, then realise I never did it on my own. I never do anything by myself I have that little voice in the back of my head telling me what to do. I sound cry. I am crazy you just don’t understand something I think I would rather die then try to deal with all of this. I want my head back. Want to deal with the signs and sighs and the hurt and pain without overmedicated restless sleep. Sing me to sleep in a grave before knocking me out with the grave end of the shovel. I don’t want to be like this, don’t’ want to be me, don’t want to be you. Don’t want to be here, fade away in to obscurity and die in a corner. That’s the life for me. The murkiness vs the light, the hidden vs the public, sanity vs insanity and the complications inside. Writing that isn’t really writing and more transforming thoughts from my head in to text and tying to get them to read in an order that makes them vaguely understandable. I see it like an outsider, lucid nightmares that aren’t nightmares. If you could see inside my head I’d be sectioned in a second. Do you understand that I am expendable for the kill. I am nothing. I am broken.

I wonder?

would any one notice,
would anyone care?
if i had the guts to take these now
i would.
it doesn't matter now anyway.
too late for salvation,
too late for me now.
"There's no room in this hell
and there's no room in the next"
i'm already dead.

Moderate

Sociability vs individuality and where do you draw that line? I’m always suck in between wanting to please the world and wanting to please myself, I can’t quite get the balance right. I’m lost in what seems to a revolving door that’s getting faster and faster. Caught between self medication and the inability to function normally. I don’t quite have my brain screwed on anymore. I don’t know who to tell you what’s wrong with me, where to start, where to take it to. I know you are there, don’t get me wrong I will never accuse you of that, but I don’t know how to get where you are, if you understand where I am going with this. They make it out to be so simple, so god damn straight forward, its not. I’m at war with myself, please ignored me when you see. I won’t tell you anyway. I’d make the world about you, because you deserve it. I’m suck between my mind and my heart and my conscience if I even have one. Numb to touch of the heart I’m not too good at this game anymore, I think I’m on my last life. I’ve tried to stockpile memories, I’m sick again, its not serious, c’mon and catch up with me. I can’t hold this up anymore, its too heavy to stop it falling. Glass looks so amazing broken, don’t you notice that. When the light catches the polarised crystals on the pavement they look like faux diamonds. The worlds left me behind, there is a life outside my room that I can’t find, this is the last that I have, this is all that I have left its slipping away from me, when will you all understand I am losing it already. I’m waiting to break, like the moment you hold that crystal ball and drop it. The slow motion as it leaves your hands and hurtles towards the earth at – 9.8ms-2 and I can see the moment of impact. Oh I miss you. You don’t know it. I miss the only member of my family who seemed to know right away what was wrong, I want my sister. It sounds so juvenile for fuck sake I am an adult right? I want my sister, I want to cry on someones shoulder, just cry and let it all out, I want to be able to tell her whats wrong. I feel almost like I’m breaking a promise to her, like I should be telling her all this, I promised never to hide it from you. I never have…I’ve just not told you. You did it too you moved on with you life, you made a life for yourself. In six months time all goes to plan I’ll be moving out. I’m so happy and yet so scared and I’m so excited but I don’t want to be on my own. I don’t want to live on my own, I don’t know how to get by that. I can’t sleep its like my brain doesn’t want to switch off anymore. I need to sleep, I can feel the lack of it clicking away on my keyboard at four am. I’m waiting for my mind to decided its had enough fighting me and give in. Its not like its that fucking hard is it. Its not like it could try and act normal for once. I’m not much of a person I guess, I’m not at all what you expect me to be. I’m bad for doing what I was told, I don’t take meds then I don’t take it right and then I take too much. I feel like I don’t care anymore. Does that make me heartless, I find the time in the spaces of my nerves between writing on paper and in my head, its not like I want to feel, sometimes I know in my head that I should care about this, but I don’t. I know some things should upset me and they don’t. I hate how I rely on a capsule sometimes I love the thought of knowing I can administer that when ever I feel. Sometimes I put my mind in a capsule just to see what it will do or what shit it will come up with next to just spite me again. You just want to be a tragedy, just dying to be tragic, just dying. I’d love to manipulate the mirror so I could make it show what I wanted, make it show you what I want you to see. Carefree in the bliss. It doesn’t work that way I know I wont fool you in to that, your are much too intelligent – you know the truth. If he heroes only love heroines then what am I and where so I fit in to the master plan, not so much the carriers and the rescuers more the left behind, the forgotten and unwanted. This wafe and stray doesn’t quite know what to do with herself anymore in the eerie silence of the night, there isn’t much at all to do, to say to feel. I’m not the most eloquent person, mealy a way to get it out my head, words will never be though to describe what goes on but it is an attempt at trying to be sane. I’ve been trying to count backwards all night to turn myself off and make the sleep take me one cell at a time but it doesn’t seem to be happening it all. Active in the midst of the world shutting down for the night, periodic state of paralysis. I’d love to suspend myself in it. If this was a movie the phone would be ringing to tell me everything is alright that someone out there listens to this foolish attempt to communicate. Tears spill from left and across to the right, its not as attractive as it is in the stories, you see the little girl with glinting eyes as the world tells her just how to survive. Its not like that in real life let me tell you that. All I can wait to do now is slip though the cracks and fade in to obscurity taking in to account that fact that I was never prominent anyway. I want to be touched in the heart, moved, truly moved and not like a pawn in a game. I’m just going to go for the easiest, because this is a ghost town, is it insane I keep my TV on loud so I don’t feel alone in my own room? This is just an incoherent ramble though time to waste time to make time to close my eyes and dream away the hope of tomorrow that I so readily need and never seem to obtain. This year has fallen cold, and bounced of tiles and gone insane to the point where reality is irrational fears and the thought of getting trampled on by my self. It seems to pick up to just drop again, bouncing like a ball, each bounce is shorter, slower, it seems to get so much easier to give up. Knock and tumble to stand up again, much easier to stay down again I think it is that way baby. I know you forget me, you only come running when it’s a stormy day, the cage didn’t spin the bird free, it locked it back up. Its locking me away ready to throw away the key.

Some Advice

I’m stick behind lead walls
Oh please please get me out of here
I know it I do
That I am going down again
I feel forgotten inside my own head,
I’m leaving my own self behind,
A letter to myself:

Dear myself:
Forget what everyone tells you about life, because they are all wrong, you feel like shit, you feel forgotten, you feel lost. You are. So move on, don’t trust, don’t breath a single work to others. Close up shop and forget the world exists. Go back to living in your room afraid of the world, go back to hostility and forget the kind words. They never ask about you, they never know how you feel. They say they can read though you, but can they? Can they? When you lol down aim or when you laugh down the phone, can they see that really you are putting it on to keep them happy. As long as they are happy you can get buy knowing this is hurting no one but you. Hurt yourself like usual, before anyone else can. Make your heart cold before anyone else can and most of all remember, all that glitters is not gold. You are not gold. He said to me on Tuesday; “I love the way your eyes glitter in light” As I smiled and just said “thank you” you are not golden. You are not silver. You are not bronze. Copper out, copper in. Your insides are copper. You are the most cold hearted person I have ever met, lost the ability to relate to others, lost the ability to convey emotions. I love the way the world likes to throw stones at me and weights for me to shatter. I hate to tell you kid, your gonna die. Not I wish I could go back before I met them, and take one too many, take several too many, fuck it take a bottle to many and pass out on the floor. I never did this to hurt them. You are nothing, listen as I tell you what I really think of you. I hate you. You are ugly. You are fat. You are stupid. You can not write. You can not play. You can’t even make friends. They will leave you, not like me, not like the pills on the bedside table that you keep secret from your friends, that you keep quiet from yourself. You can not admit properly you have a problem. You are nothing. Deal with it and fade away from the world. It will be the only good thing you ever do. When the world kicks you down, stay down. Don’t go for help, don’t ask for a hand, don’t hold on to anything. Just let go and drown. It’s the only way out.
See you on the other side sunshine
xo

We're Not Gonna Pay Rent

What binds the fabric together,
When the raging, shifting winds of change,
Keep ripping away?

Not for the faint hearted

On the ground again
Oh help me were not making it though this
The world is on fire
And the police are being murdered
Its quiet today
I think I know whats going on
I’m too scared to say encase I got it wrong
I’m making a bad mistake
Spent the day in haze
In haze of prescriptions
And RX
Cept we don’t call it that here
Inside is a winding circle
And a circle that’s going back and back on itself
Lost in circles
Oh I want to end this here
Please just be one too many next time.

I am Loco

Just kill me
I can't breath,
All that is gone,
Is guiding me to the end.
When the sickness makes me break.
I feel like I am dying.
I beg myself to put my pride upon a shelf.
Life is not forever,
But if life would stay together,
Then I would have a friend.
And my depression have an end.
I've been thinking,
And thinking always gets me in to trouble,
But since I have a double personality.
Its alright it seems.

Everything was fine until you came along

"homewrecker with a heart of gold"