Expendable

Not so much realism more the unreal of the up and down, more the disorientation and the fact that I’m not quite sure where everything is anymore, its not like I want to think like that, can’t help it, medicated harmonies sing in my head and its off key again. Its everything I want to not be, everything I would rather not be. Save me from my self and sing me to sleep, I’ll take this to my grave if you take it to yours, but I doubt you will. Just the lucky unlucky I hit the few highs every now and then but its not worth the hassle, I can laugh but I’m never sure inside if it is real. I seem to take the highs along side a huge dose of pessimistic infection. I’m sick with it. I can take a day like to day and turn it around in to how the hell am I going to fall again. There isn’t much left, there isn’t much at all inside. I’m cold turkey and this is the hardest thing I have every done. If I look back and think that I did all this shit on my own what else can I do, then realise I never did it on my own. I never do anything by myself I have that little voice in the back of my head telling me what to do. I sound cry. I am crazy you just don’t understand something I think I would rather die then try to deal with all of this. I want my head back. Want to deal with the signs and sighs and the hurt and pain without overmedicated restless sleep. Sing me to sleep in a grave before knocking me out with the grave end of the shovel. I don’t want to be like this, don’t’ want to be me, don’t want to be you. Don’t want to be here, fade away in to obscurity and die in a corner. That’s the life for me. The murkiness vs the light, the hidden vs the public, sanity vs insanity and the complications inside. Writing that isn’t really writing and more transforming thoughts from my head in to text and tying to get them to read in an order that makes them vaguely understandable. I see it like an outsider, lucid nightmares that aren’t nightmares. If you could see inside my head I’d be sectioned in a second. Do you understand that I am expendable for the kill. I am nothing. I am broken.