"Here's a story about a boy named Jay."

Holiday's been cancelled.
What a Christmas.

Keep us Far Apart

If home is where the heart is were all just fucked. I would shoot the sunshine in to my veins, to remember the good old days. It’s so funny the wear I wear an anchor around my neck when being anchored to port feels like a curse. My mind is a safe, and if I keep it, it will be all the rage. My body is an orphanage we take every one in, doing lines of dust and sweat off last nights stage just to feel like you. A roman candle heart keep us far apart.

its getting old

Which came first, the music or the misery?
I went to sleep a poet and woke up a fraud. A cliché but I do it best.

I’ve come to terms with behind a footnotes in someone else happiness. I’ve got troubled thoughts and the self esteem to match, Mr Sandman shines his beam as he enters the room, bouncing back and forth on waves, head like a steal trap. I swore I would never end up like that but behind my back I already have, ‘oh darling I know what your going though.’ Piss off. God I try to tell you, and I get ignored, can’t you see me screaming at you for help? You want to know why I kicked out at the world, regardless of the fact that it always kicks back a lot harder? Because no one is listening. Long live the carcrash hearts.

The sad thing is it isn’t my friends dragging me though this, it’s a little blue disk spinning in my bedroom. “Crowds are won and lost and won again but our hearts beat for the diehards.” The songs own the beating of my heart. I’ll keep believing if you keep singing that lie.

The golden rule is always the cruellest. Sometimes I wonder if its worth it, or are the lives we live just golden plated? The lights of this city are too heavy, when I catch my reflection all I see if the people who don’t have time, don’t listen. Cliché I know but the sewage of youth drowned the spark of my teens. A stitch away from making it and a scar away from falling apart, pray you don’t grow up to be. Show me a starry-eyed kid, I wont let him get his hopes up, save him from him self a picture and a note saying; ‘don’t end up like me, it’s only for your own good.’ The stories getting old home wreckers with hearts of gold. It’s been said so many times I don’t think it matters, picking apart and falling apart to songs about hearts. It hurts but I think it was meant to be.

Haven’t you heard the word on the street? I lost it called it quits get in to the sun out from behind the gossip.

XO

always believe that your heart is right

while i miss home, my own room the comfort. while i hate having to listen to someone in my hall singing very loudly in their room and butchering my favourite songs. i really do very much like it here. whoever said that these would be the best and worst days of my life were so right, but its so worth it. really is worth it.

the sound is of thunder
how you people should wonder
how your ever going to shut up shop tonight.

Homecomming

Do you remember me? I'm comming home, I messed it up, I messed you up, I miss you, When the leaves begin to fall, I need to know am I falling apart? Why do I always feel like the left out one. Always the last to know. I've stopped answeing my phone I don't care anymore. Looks like we're solo tonight, I'm beginning to see the light, but I think I'll be alright. I've been black and blue before, there's no need to explain, playbacks such a waste. What a day.

i wish

some one would tell me they loved me.

if everyone cared

you just lost your job as friend
you never ask me how i am
when i talk to you its always about you
don't you notice i'm falling apart
you don't seem to care anymore
its ok i under stand you have beter friends now
i'm not needed anymore
and thus the cycle continues
back to medication
back to swallowing blues
back to trying to live normality
in one room
back to fears
i'm not important enough now

its ok i can handle that

I can't wait to pass the time in my room alone

I feel dead to the world
I feel left out
Strick off
Another few weeks I'll be unknown
I'm off the radar
Off course
I'd love to sleep for the rest of time.
I am not worth the footnotes.

nowhere

lost in the void

the little things

they take the biggest part
so detached from everything now
cut of from the people i talk to
break me down at least then i feel.

the times have changed

but i still feel lost without you
hard to find a new soul
when silence takes its tole.

doubts

i dont think i can do this anymore
it seemed to easy at the beginning of the year
ABB
its what i need to get in to uni
my best isn't going to cut it this time i have to be better than my best
i have to be better then my best
because the world is out to make me fail
and its starting to work
always going round in my head about the possibilities
i need to get in to uni this year
fuck i want it so fucking bad you do not understand how much i want it
i can't convince myself that i can do this
and the sad part is im starting to think no one else thinks i can do it
i want someone to believe in me
because i dont believe in my self
when i look in the mirror every morning on the way out the door
i see nothing of worth.
a failure in every sense.

its alright to talk to people who understand

but what happens when no one does understand?

just take it now leave me

ran me off the road,
The wait is over
I'm now taking over,
You're no longer laughing
I'm not drowning fast enough.

Now every time that I look at myself
"I thought I told you
this world is not for you"

i want to be reborn

in to a diffrent world
and take away the imballence
strike me dead
stop my heart
better off.

[pill]ows

[Pill]ow Talk and tears makes me fall asleep at night and debate with myself what my future holds. You see I am the epitome of failure. I am nothing but failure and let downs, shaped by lies and the bull shit advice. The foreboding feeling that I am losing control again, going to lost it, going to lose it. Depression has an end in the most horrible way, ignore the signs, ignore the cries, ignore me falling deeper and deeper. The world goes dark outside, everything I love turns to dirt, when I look out my window I see lights and skies glowing with lights from city beyond the hills. It doesn’t matter because everything is going dark, everything is starting to fade away from me, it crept up whispering my name and stripped me. It came for everything, and laughed as I cried in to my [pill]ow for the sake of my mistakes. I wouldn’t leave myself alone in a room for fear that I would do something stupid when everything goes black. Everything is perfect best tonight is what I tell the world while the world falls apart, I want to walk with my head held high even though no one knows my name. Don’t you know you won the war again? I see what is going on and see what they mean when there isn’t any hope left in me.

The only place I feel at home is crammed into a room with two thousand other people screaming and shouting and screaming until my throat is raw to a rock band, that I should know better than putting my hope in to. Never put your hope on anything, lesson learned. My mind plays games with itself I hear voices screaming at me and I find myself wondering am I doing insane? I’ve got no good in me for anybody. I’ve been ruined by the lies they told so everyone gather round and laugh as my world collapses, its so desperately sad that it has come to this, sad hope that there is something better than this for you. I have dumb ideologies. I used to think I had something ok to say. I keep my mouth shut now. I don’t talk. I don’t communicate. Cutting myself off from the world.

Pushing back the boundaries to where they belong close to my heart, today I was wrong again, once more everyone put your hands together. Don’t waste you sympathy because I made this all, I live my life between the cracks, I slip though the system, I lose I know I always do, always will. I’m hoping before I die I make it up. I live my life without myself in it now, I am autopilot. Plane pilot. Plane crash. Plain crash. Why can’t anyone see? Tired and pushed to the side. Broken whenever I try. Can’t get up again and let everything trickle of my back, can’t try again, I’m letting go. Go to pieces again. Go to peace again but I need you more than I ever did. I need you all the time.

I look at the world and find my self so angry, so desperately sick, along and frightened by all that I see, there isn’t a good heart in me. Dead bolts and steal plates. Cut me off from the noise outside and stop me from leaving, its pointless and worthless to deny that I am scared, that I am scarred, that I am worthless. The fences and walls I have built are being reinforced, lonely and broken, the forgotten, the hidden condition is misunderstood. Illuminate the lights of those who feel the same.

Tired radios play tired songs over and over again same and same, it gets harder every day and it chokes me, I decided I look good in blue. I don’t know what to say, my mind grows weak every time I close my eyes, I can’t control this anymore. When push comes to shove I am alone, I am on my own in my head, there isn’t anyone else out there who can take this away from me, this fucking. I get on the train on my own and my mind spins along with the wheels, watching trees, roads, cattle farms go by and I know I’m close and closer to getting home and hiding in my room again, hide away from the world – shut off. They still laugh at me, they still tease me because of the way I am, every day is the same, this is the same as high school. They don’t care about me, you don’t care. I don’t care anymore. A l o n e.

running a w a y

Lost in time, lost in space time makes me want to pull my hair out and flip out. Clean my heart out and leave me sterile inside, want to feel nothing, want to be closed to the world and be alone. I can’t stand to see faces, feeling the inevitable crash after the high, should have stayed parallel. Make the tears stop I cry in to the pillow hoping that the chemical imbalances inside will even out like mother nature intended them to. Want to go on in live without the burden of this, why did it happen to me? why did I end up like this? I am nothing in reality, I am some shitty kid who has her dreams set too high, who aims too high, who misses every time. I am lost I am debt. Clap my hands and turn around, magic spell, magic well. “drowing out I feel I’m passing out, the music’s louder now.”

Blow my mind and shot my heart.

Im falling to deep.

Captain

I’m having the feeling I’m failing at everything I am ever doing, my life is just one bar of notes ticking away in the background, my lifes a haze, like a tumble back fall blast from the past comes back to haunt. The shining sun is lost, and all the lines blur together. I can’t let the sun in even if I try, I can’t let my broken voice speak out, I forget it entered my life. I want to stair at the ocean and not be afraid to bring it to life. Sometimes I can’t bear the words that come out but I can’t stand to make it stop. Every time it’s a whisper and every time I’m in the frontline I’m alive. I don’t want that night to stop. Do you hear it, do you hear the only sound? No more wishing to escape I don’t want that night to stop. No more waiting no more wishing from the top it’s a glorious town.

okasan-twin-chan

While we all hope that life will plateau its not always like that, you see its kinda like a fat kid standing in the middle of greggs when there is only one fudge donut left. Its not always gonna be easy, in the end were all fighting for the last fudge donut (ok I don’t know where that fucking analogy came from!) Its gonna be hard, gonna be tough and its always a fight, but you see we fight the good fight. I have dreams of dancing in the rain, always in line with no one left behind. Well you know what if you can’t be I will be defiant for you, I wont forget how much we pay but despite it all, we’re still doing alright and with friends by out side. We fight the good fight. One day all of this pain and all of this strife will mean nothing to us. This is simply a price your paying for the big things were going to do soon. We got second chances and we’re making the most of it. You know I dream for the days we were kids, want to wash our eyes out, mean everything I have ever said and never be scared but I refused to be ashamed of how ever many doomed attempts it takes to get over this. When I fell apart you were there, without even realising it. You know I’m always going to be here for you.

Friendship is random talking at four am and hugs in the night, its being there when someone needs you, wanting to be there when they need you. You know I would sing it out if I could sing at all that you are not alone, so what sometimes we feel like we never had a hope in hell, fuck it that’s the damage at a dream does. You are not the only one, we are lost but we will be found. There are one hundred thousand tiny lights for all of us who feels the same. Trust me I know what it feels like to be stuck behind deadbolts and steal plates, and you couldn’t leave if you tried. You know it is worthless to deny that you are scared, but all the fences and the walls you build will one day fall. I am in love with the thought that one day we will do better than they tell us. Sometimes were lonely, fell forgotten but your heat is never wrong. I’d send you silver birds if I could to prove I’ll keep these promises I make.

I know you think you have bonfires in your head and criminals in your veins, that the trains off the rails and the devils in the details, that no one notices. But I do.

You know the stars about are starting to spin out a little hope in the night sky, something good is starting to happen at last, let them throw your stones and spit their words. I know you believe in hope and you believe in love and you believe in something more than this, even if you are, I’m not afraid to say it. you can call me dumb and call me on it, I have never claimed to know it all but I know this much; we’re stronger than they know. I believe in everything you do.

Somewhere in the institutions and halfway homes people are on the mend again, there is hope to carry on again, it makes me feel that something is right, no more dirty tricks just more standing out and shouting out. All the money in the world wont save them, we’re coming home. All the prisons that they build wont hold us. Fuck dirty hearts, well fix them up and send them to happy homes, it doesn’t take much to raise a smile, to push the extra mile, I’ll stand with you when things go wrong and say “its not too long until we break though.” Keep your friends close, your enemies wont matter in the end.

Penny for your thoughts or a dollar for your insults

watch it trickle down the arm
and pray to god
that he hears my thoughts
because its too much to bear on my own

a fortune for your disaster

Started swallowing blues again to get though the day, watching red run down my arms to combat the perpetual knot inside my stomach screaming “the life you live is empty” too much of a social suicide to register on radars and too much of a fuck up to be ignored. Round and round, would rather be along anyway, less chance of fucking it up again. Too heavy to keep ahold of anymore, sick of dragging my guts on pavements and railway lines. Not enough time to stop and tell the world I’m losing my hair though stress and medication leaves me throwing up and passed out on the floor at night. Passed out in pain in the desperate attempt to feel human. People accept lies when you give them a small truth with it, there is always a ‘but’, “good but a bit tired,” “feeling down but getting back up there.” The future is this apparition created by them to make me believe that there is a road out of this, their isn’t there is no way out, no way out, no way out at all. Blue and red and water wash them down and watch the world spin and feel alive again. I think I’m addicted to pushing myself to limits. Or rather addicted to trying to feel again. One night and one more time, thanks for the memories but this is the last time I breath. When you find me sleeping please don’t wake me up, I’m thinking of having DNR tattooed across my chest, when I fall no one catch me. Long long stories are just tragedies, paralytic by ten thirty. Sing me to sleep tonight and tell me tomorrow wont be so bad, because there isn’t much more I can take. The smiles, the laughs, the jokes are all fake. In the toilet at break and lunch I watch red run down my arms, wipe away and then smile, clean up and walk out. Sit and take notes in lectures and as if nothing happened. I can’t control my mind anymore, it runs away from me and it escapes me, I want to leave this place but they keep telling me quitters never win but when happens when you never quit and still never win?

we got a big big mess on our hands tonight

fucking over you fucking fuck up
fucking cant pass exams you know this shit why are you fucking your life up why are you throwing everything away why are you fucking your whole life up. If you don't get it this time round you are never going to get in to uni you are never going to go you are a fuck up an embarrassment a fucking fat ugly stupid fuck up who does nothing embarrasses yourself. The people around you, your family. Its been a fucking life time since you last did anything. You shouldn't have been born, less of a burden on your family. Less embarrassment. You should have fucking topped yourself the first time round you stupid bitch and save all the hurt and the tears. Fucking cant even kill yourself properly.  Your a fucking failure. Always has been always will be.

Split

Make my heart sing again, not think of the days where you were wating to do yourself in. i'm heading back down hill again, fuck I don't want to be me, I don't want to be me. I don't want to be here anymore. i want to be think, i wan't to be loved, I wan't to be the girl you look at and think "Damn shes pretty, she must have loads of friends" even if I don't, hell your oppinions matter more to me than my sanity. I want to be invisable. Erase me off the  map

Tomorrow morning...

Promise me you wont cry.

I sing the blues and swallow them too.

I woke up this morning and loked in the mirror.  I'm starting to hate the person I see; big fat fuck up, can't even pass the C test in maths, who the fuck do you think you are? Think your so smart just because you got in to uni? There are people out there with degrees by your age, your not smart, your not fucking inteligent, your just a big fat fuck up playing catch up all the time. your nothing but a bitch and fuck fucking bitch and a fucking stupid. Your nothing. Absoloutly nothing. Fucking give up kid. go swallow a bottle of pills before its too late. Your nothing. Do the world a favour and top yourself already, it will be the best thing you do with your life.

At this moment in time

I fell so small, like nothing at all.
going to make it go away though abuse of the mind.
Its not what matteres that count.
Its like they say whats not there is just as important as what is.
Leave me out of the world.
Out of mind out of your sight.
Leave it rot on its on.
Waste everything to me.
On me.
I wont memories nine numbers and deny my soul
It says leave this shit hole town.
I will leave it crossed arms six foot under

At The Very Bottom Of Everything

I wanna be there.

push the point

Can't get anything right.
Everything I do is worthless,
Everything I do crumbles to the ground.
I'm not worth anything no one seems to be able to get that in to their heads.
No one needs to be brought down by me.
So I'm going to lock myself in my world again.
I don't look in the mirror and see someone I want to look at.
I can't even stick to a diet for fuck sake.
Can't get the marks I want in college.
Can't keep the people around me happy.
Can't write.
Can't play.
Can't think.
There is nothing left for me.
I want to fall away, in to what you would consider a coma really.
Trap me between reality and fiction.
I'll be at home there.
Given up life to stand by and idly watch other people pass me by.
Everyone else is passing me by.
Everyone else is going places expect me.
Friends left, moved one and got lives
and here I am stuck in my room,
Stuck at college,
stuck in my head trying to figure out where the hell to start.

There is no dignity in this.

see what you don't understand is i coast drom day to day.
this is not living, this is surving.
this is trying to get though this with hearts and wrists intact.
i always feel like i am watching the world though water.
disconnected from it all so readly and yet so hard to reconnect again.
i don't understad why or how this happens to me.
all i know it tomorrow i'll give the world a smile so it don't notice.
and tell it everything is alright.
that way it wont notive me anymore.

Drive yourself insane tonight its not that far away and I just filled up your tank earlier today.

theres no way I'm going to live though this one and I'm not sure that I really want to. You have no idea what it is like to feel as if you don't belong in the world, like there is a constant restrignt on you, still no matter how much you need help, no matter how much you want to scream at the world about how you want its attention, theres always someone else having a drama. Cast to the side and ignored like always, over and over again same old sad story. boo hoo. Kid your fucking nothing, you expect there help then you are more stupid than I thought. You are nothing, absoloutly nothign you stupid kid. Stupid fucking bitch, stupid kid. You know nothing about the world outside do you? fucking idiot, I have no respect for you, I have no real friends, you have no real home to go to. Just a bedroom and a laptop computuer, just a few clicks of keys. Thats all you are and in the end that is nothing close to being enough to getting any where in life. Get youself a life, get yourself a head on thoses shoulders insted of just rambels about molecular imballence. You make everything worse, how do you expect to get in to university with what you do? How do you expect to get anywhere. You fucking nothing. your going to be nothing.

You are nothing.
Deal with it.

Today is a gift, thats why its called the present.

I could highly debate that one.
I understand my friends do their best to deal with this.
Sometimes I don't want you to deal.
I want you to stfu about it and leave me alone.
Then Again I guess I should be thankful for it really.
There is so much to be thankful for,
So damn much.
So than you.
I can be a cunt sometimes I know.
I'm amazed your all still here <3
I think your all amazing,
I think that you all need to a medal the size of a frying pan.
Maybe I'm not aware of everything that goeson around me.
Sometimes I just need a little slap.

lifeasweknowitisover

iminthewayagain
gonnabreakdownagain
goingtofallbackdownagain
relaxalittleyealsandrelent
loseitintheend
manicmonday
goingtofalldownagain
tuesdayslostagain
goingtofalldownagain
loseingmymind
losingmyhead
emergencyplanisneeded
replacemewithastatue
itwoulddoabetterjob

Who will take the blaim?

we're all just angels with dirty faces.

youronlymakingthisworse

pullmeoutfrominside

thinkimgonnaloseitloseitloseit

justwanttomakeitthoughtonight

Bring Out The Death Car and We'll Drive Tonight.

Ungrateful bitch, you fucking deserve nothing, you don’t deserve your friends, you don’t deserve the people around you., you don’t deserve the oxygen in your lungs you don’t deserve anything, you don’t deserve to life. What have you ever done for people, what have you ever done to help the people around you except waste there time and efforts. You don’t even deserve your own mind anymore. Go empty the bottle because that’s all you deserve. It should be slow and painful, remind you of all the shit that you have done, and remind you of all the fucking crap that you have done. Your nothing but a sad, scared shitty little kid who has never, and will never make the grade. You too fucking fat, too fucking stupid, too fucking loud, too fucking quiet. You’re fucking nothing, your fucking everything you hate. Hurry up, go on, go on and fucking do it already you fucking coward. You’ve become nothing, you are nothing, you are absolutely nothing. I want to be a kid again, go back and change all of this, I want to wash my eyes and mean everything I say. I want to be a shadow again, every attempt is doomed, all my mistakes could be erased. I fell apart in January but I “fixed” myself for everybody. I know tomorrow isn’t going to get better than this, I don’t a way out. I hope I didn’t hurt too many people on this path, I hope a day comes that makes me forget everything and when I comes I’ll praise the lord and sing it out. I wish the satellites would start to spin out hope in the darkness but there not, call me dumb and call me on it but I never said I knew it all or I would be here for ever, so you cal all go to hell, I don’t believe in love or hope or everything that we do anymore, I don’t believe in you or anything you tell me. The best part of “believe” is the “lie”. There isn’t a change coming soon, I know I lost my way, I’ve sold myself out for nothing, don’t make me a leader I’ll lead you the wrong way, I couldn’t eve save myself, its getting worse every day. “Empty hearts winter riot hopeless blue” I have ideas for falling.

you make me fucking sick

I’m dying, praying, bleeding and screaming. I’m too lost to be saved in all honesty there is no salvation in between the cracks of existence. There is no second window, a way out, a turn in the road. Its black forest needles the whole way from now to eternity, there is this huge fucking canyon in the middle of my life and I don’t know how to cross it and I don’t know how to get around it. I feel lost almost as if I’m stuck. I’m trying to get everything away from myself, there is turmoil in this there is nothing more than what is at the fingertips. A gun and a bullet. I’m too lost to be saved, its too late. I need a form of hope, I need some form of closure on the past that I can’t find. I don’t know how to fight anymore, I don’t know how to take control anymore, I don’t know how to make myself real anymore., No one understand this, no one understands me. Its clichéd isn’t it, “no one understands me” but none of you do. You don’t know what its like to wake up every morning and see this fugly monster in the mirror, fucking but ugly fattie, you are fucking nothing, you are fucking nothing, nothing, you are nothing, you are fucking nothing, you are nothing compared to them, you are completely nothing. So I hide away, and create myself a world that I am not afraid to be apart of, I’d lie inside myself forever if I could, I would never leave this room as claustrophobic and sick it makes me. I love how the screaming cant cease for the fear of silent night, I long for the dreaming and imaginary lights, it’s the opposite for me, sleep brings a refuge for me from the real world, its like a sudden drain from me, and everything isn’t real anymore. Watch my purple sky fly over me with paper flowers, and candy canes. You don’t think fo me but trust me I think of you every day, I remember you like this all happened yesterday and you don’t even think of me twice do you, you don’t decide on what happens anymore, all I do is dream of a better life and it dangles in front of me like a carrot to the donkey and its always just out of reach. A monster took over me. I’d give up everything to get rid of it. I know there is no one there to help me thought that I am alone in all of this and you know what it is the most scary thought of my life that I am alone that I am alone you are alone. So many fears that I just can’t let go there taking over there just like you I don’t believe in you anymore. I wish I could talk to myself face to face for a just a few moments and get though to myself and just beg myself to be sane again, fuck that I wish I could go back a few years and tell myself not to let it get to me not to take it seriously not to let it effect me because it will ruin me. IO wonder if anyone has told them that I’m dead inside, hello I’m a future self telling you to listen to yourself and talk to someone, I am the lie, come hide in it. You need fixed before you break apart in to parts so tiny you can’t put yourself together again. You are nothing, you are absolutely nothing don’t let it happen again. Suddenly one day you wont be sleeping anymore, save the most important parts of yourself because you need them. There is nothing else to salvage. There are no friendships, relationships and family you can trust. They are all out to get you they will all fuck you over in the coming years trust no one. I don’t think I’ll be staying long, all I want to tell you is that I hate you for turning in to this you better break the fucking cycle and fucking fix yourself or you are going to be dead, fucking hurry up I LONG TO DIE. This world is a fragile thing, break it already you fucking worthless cunt, you fucking worthless piece of crap! I can’t taste it anymore, I can’t see a future, I can’t see the light. Hold your last breath until you feel safe inside and let it go. Let it end here tonight, I want the light, I want the closure of eyes to disappear, I want my dreams to leave me there instead of having to wake up and face the truth that there is no one here, goodnight I’m not afraid, don’t call me as we fade to black. Good night. I don’t think of you as rapture light sweeps. Don’t catch me as I fall, don’t save me, just make sure its over, I’m sick of spilling guts to atmosphere. I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away, turn away, close your eyes and let me go. Bring out the deathcar.

if i could gather strength for a final time.

would you stand over these shadows
and embrace the history?

the truth is

I've realised how truly little I mean.

BLERUGH

Every form of transport is not running because of the storm.
Can't sleep because of the rain.
Spent all night counting the time between gusts insted of sheep.

There is so underlying message

I'm so bored I'm going to die.

So this year

I will talk less.
Write more.
Lose weight.
Get good exam results.