you make me fucking sick

I’m dying, praying, bleeding and screaming. I’m too lost to be saved in all honesty there is no salvation in between the cracks of existence. There is no second window, a way out, a turn in the road. Its black forest needles the whole way from now to eternity, there is this huge fucking canyon in the middle of my life and I don’t know how to cross it and I don’t know how to get around it. I feel lost almost as if I’m stuck. I’m trying to get everything away from myself, there is turmoil in this there is nothing more than what is at the fingertips. A gun and a bullet. I’m too lost to be saved, its too late. I need a form of hope, I need some form of closure on the past that I can’t find. I don’t know how to fight anymore, I don’t know how to take control anymore, I don’t know how to make myself real anymore., No one understand this, no one understands me. Its clichéd isn’t it, “no one understands me” but none of you do. You don’t know what its like to wake up every morning and see this fugly monster in the mirror, fucking but ugly fattie, you are fucking nothing, you are fucking nothing, nothing, you are nothing, you are fucking nothing, you are nothing compared to them, you are completely nothing. So I hide away, and create myself a world that I am not afraid to be apart of, I’d lie inside myself forever if I could, I would never leave this room as claustrophobic and sick it makes me. I love how the screaming cant cease for the fear of silent night, I long for the dreaming and imaginary lights, it’s the opposite for me, sleep brings a refuge for me from the real world, its like a sudden drain from me, and everything isn’t real anymore. Watch my purple sky fly over me with paper flowers, and candy canes. You don’t think fo me but trust me I think of you every day, I remember you like this all happened yesterday and you don’t even think of me twice do you, you don’t decide on what happens anymore, all I do is dream of a better life and it dangles in front of me like a carrot to the donkey and its always just out of reach. A monster took over me. I’d give up everything to get rid of it. I know there is no one there to help me thought that I am alone in all of this and you know what it is the most scary thought of my life that I am alone that I am alone you are alone. So many fears that I just can’t let go there taking over there just like you I don’t believe in you anymore. I wish I could talk to myself face to face for a just a few moments and get though to myself and just beg myself to be sane again, fuck that I wish I could go back a few years and tell myself not to let it get to me not to take it seriously not to let it effect me because it will ruin me. IO wonder if anyone has told them that I’m dead inside, hello I’m a future self telling you to listen to yourself and talk to someone, I am the lie, come hide in it. You need fixed before you break apart in to parts so tiny you can’t put yourself together again. You are nothing, you are absolutely nothing don’t let it happen again. Suddenly one day you wont be sleeping anymore, save the most important parts of yourself because you need them. There is nothing else to salvage. There are no friendships, relationships and family you can trust. They are all out to get you they will all fuck you over in the coming years trust no one. I don’t think I’ll be staying long, all I want to tell you is that I hate you for turning in to this you better break the fucking cycle and fucking fix yourself or you are going to be dead, fucking hurry up I LONG TO DIE. This world is a fragile thing, break it already you fucking worthless cunt, you fucking worthless piece of crap! I can’t taste it anymore, I can’t see a future, I can’t see the light. Hold your last breath until you feel safe inside and let it go. Let it end here tonight, I want the light, I want the closure of eyes to disappear, I want my dreams to leave me there instead of having to wake up and face the truth that there is no one here, goodnight I’m not afraid, don’t call me as we fade to black. Good night. I don’t think of you as rapture light sweeps. Don’t catch me as I fall, don’t save me, just make sure its over, I’m sick of spilling guts to atmosphere. I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away, turn away, close your eyes and let me go. Bring out the deathcar.