These Days Are Getting Old.

Have you ever felt...
As if your the only on in the world.
I get down when I see my friends.
They have their boyfriends and girlfriends.
Then I look at me.
Still searching and wanting just anyone to fill the empty space.
Then again.
They tell me its worth the wait.

Sometimes I can't understand how my moods shift.
Its half past three in the am.
Again I'm still awake.
I have too much on my mind to handle.
I have nightmares at night.
About what would happen if I failed college this year.
I can't afford to.
Yet I doubt I'm going to pass.

I always feel like I am behind.
Behind in every sense.
At college.
In life in general.

We had a BBQ for dinner tonight.
And I sat outside in silence.
On the grass in our garden.
And watched Venus appear in the twilight sky.
And I felt a flutter in my heart.
As a flock of birds flew over head.
And the tide was coming in on the river estuary.
The wind was warm - unusually warm for April in Scotland.

I sat and just stared around me.
And I had an Epiphany.
Theres so much beauty in this world.
But why do we always see the negative?
Why are we drawn to what is wrong.
Instead of appreciating what is right?
Its strange I know.
But I realised I can be such a negative person.
Mind you its punctuated by strangely optimistic bursts like tonight.
Maybe I should try to look for the positive more often.
Look at the doors that are opening instead of closing.
Maybe the change wont be so bad.
Everything happens for a reason.
Even though I have trouble dealing with that.
But I guess I'll just remember that moment.
Spring is a time of change.
I'm changing.
I just don't know if its for the good yet.
I'm not sure I want to know.