Thinking

I'm sick of feeling taken for granted.

Am I Right?

That you can not change this world.
Yet you can change the little things.
And to someone that little thing.
May mean the world.

Computers Suck.

It broke today.
Firefox was being a cunt.
On top of everything else.
It was just annoying.
Studying is getting me down.
I can't get anything right.
I give up with maths.
Gonna fail it.
I don't care anymore.
EnglishI'll fail as well.
Don't want to.
But there is no way I'll get everything done.
Then again Biology is the only thing I'm really fussed about.

EDIT: For all the joking we did about it.
I managed to get my phone stuck in German.
I don't speak german.
Anyone wanna help me?

Four

"I've had enough of loyalty oaths
and religious revivals
The gamblers debt, security checks
And the fight for survival
I'm getting out of this town
It's making me nervous
If this is the world
Where do we go to start again?

All of our hearts are beating
At a perfect time tonight
The sound is of thunder
And you people should wonder
How you're ever gonna shut up shop forever

All of our hearts are beating
At a perfect time tonight
You didn't think we could
You didn't think we would
But we did

I am not scared
I am prepared for what is coming
I want it all
I sent out a call
And now it's beginning
I'm out of time, I'm crossing the line
Whatever happens

All of our hearts are beating
At a perfect time tonight
The sound is of thunder
And you people should wonder
How you're ever gonna shut up shop forever

All of our hearts are beating
At a perfect time tonight
You didn't think we could
You didn't think we would
But we did"

Read All About It

Tiring day.
I spent all day in a perpetual state of shock.
A friend of mine ran away from home.
She left a note and took her car.
She had an argument with her mother.
And then packed her stuff and left.
And even though we fall out.
I'm still worried about you.
I have some of the best memories of us,
Dancing about the studio to our demo tracks.
Watching you fling yourself about a stage with your Bass.
Lis I hope your alright.
Where every you have gone.

I know we argued.
I know we ended up telling each other;
"I fucking hate you."
And then doors slammed.
Bands ended.
Music stopped.

But I still worry about you.
I still miss you.
I miss how you used to cheer me up every fucking morning.
We got off the bus and went behind the PE department.
Smoked a ciggie.
Then went to form class.
Went to classes.
Survived though to lunch.
Went down the village for lunch.
Smoked some more XD

Then there was the panto.
Some of the fondest memories of my time.
And I know we burnt bridges.
We both burnt them.
I should have forgiven you.
You shouldn't have believed what you were told.
But rumors were rumors.
And they take on a meaning.
Even if they are not real.

I hope your ok.
Where ever you are.
You know if you were in trouble.
I would still help you.
Ties of friendship are harder to cut than we think.
Strange how no matter how much someone hurts you.
If you really care about them.
You find it doesn't matter.

So why do I feel like shit then?

Ladybugs

I can't sleep.
And I have class in 8 hours.
Fuck.

Help Me

Who ever has the remote control for my life.
Hit the re-wind button.
I need to go back.

Yet Again.

I'm going to sit here and promise myself I'll make something of today.
When in actual fact I'll waste it away again.
That's all I seem to be doing without you here.
I can't stand to have you near me.
Still can't after what happened.
Then I look back to the times when we had fun.
I can see that smile on your face.
Hear that laugh.
I remember your jokes.
And I'm smitten again.
They were bad, bad jokes.
But still funny from your lips.
Do you see the mess you've put me in?
Caught between the past and the present.
In emerald dreams that never seem to last.
Did you know that I still sit here.
Wondering if you love me?
If you ever did?
Somethings just weren't meant to happen.
And it wasn't meant to end like this.
I wonder what I did wrong that caused this mess.
We're a train wreck.
Three broken hearts.
And a boy caught in the middle.
And I feel sorry for you.
Because I know...no I hope you didn't mean to do this.
Though they say everyone has a hidden side.
I don't know what to believe.
Half of me wants you to be evil.
At least then I could blame you.
The other half wants you to be the best boy on earth.
Then I could blame me.

I wonder.
Was I too fat?
Too quiet?
Too loud?
Too opinionated?
Then I realise it doesn't matter.
That this would have happened any way.
But I hope you two are happy.
Because loving someone is wanting them to be happy?
Isn't it?
Then I want you to be happy.
As happy as could be.
It's because I love you I'll let this all go.
Treasure the memories instead of wondering what could have been.
And I want you to smile.
Show her what its meant to be like.
Then I can move on.
And I need it.
So will you do that for me?
I guessed not.

"I guess its times like these remind me.
That I gotta keep my feet on the ground."

Invalid

Today WAS NOT productive.
In fact far from it.
I am thoroughly fucked.

Today WILL Be Productive.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.
A lie is every I wrote one.
Right seriously.
Need to study.
Or I am going to study today.
If I like it or not.
I will get dressed.
Go to the shop.
Get ciggies then STUDY.

I feel sick.
My head is killing me.
And my side feels like its being stabbed.
But I WILL STUDY DAMN IT!
I will pass these exams.
I will do it.

Then again my body just wants me to go back to bed,
XD.
Oh I love how my body screws me over.
In the most important part of the year.
My body decides to fuck with me.
Oh ~ how fucking ironic.

Oh dear god now I'm moaning.
Fuck this.
I have a play to learn and analize
Can't sit around on here all day whining can I?
Don't tempt me.
Or I will.
I'm procrastinating again.
Right I'm really away this time.
xxx

Name Me A Place And I'll Go

This place makes me tired.
Sick of peoples moans and whines.
About how crap their lives are.
And how there rich parents wont let them go to a concert.
These people have their lives handed to them.
Decorated up and all pretty.
With there upper class schools.
And sports cars.
There big houses.
And they don't care do they?
They don't know how lucky they got it.

I hope one day they find out.
How hard it is to live below the line.
Struggling to find the money for college.
Struggling to pass and make it in the world.
Because your life if what you make of it.
Its what you work for and struggle for.
They wont appreciate it.
Because they never worked for it.

I wonder why I am doing all this work.
Like fighting a losing battle.
But I realise.
That when I make it though this.
And I get up on that stage.
And I get my certificate.
And I pass.
And I can go to uni.
It will be all that sweeter.
Because I worked for it.
There's been blood sweat and tears in it.
Just keep your eyes on the end goal.
And keep going.

I'll make it in the end.

I Drive To Eliminiate The Ball I'm Chaned To.

....the fire alarm broke today.
Wouldn't stop going off.
Just kept fucking beeping.
And it wouldn't fucking STOP!
We ended up having to turn the mains elecky off.
Then disconnect the alarms.
It stopped.
Mind you by then it was 8am.
I think we woke half the street up.
Good if I can't sleep neither can they.

After four cups of coffee
And a cigarette in the garden.
I got in my car and went for a drive.
I do that, just get in my car and go.
One day I'll drive to the ends of the earth.
I love driving.
Its like being free.
I can go where I want.
And just run away from people.
One day I'll drive somewhere new.
Instead of visiting the same old thought spots.

Note To Self

It's 5.42am gmt.
I've been up for 25 hours.
Note To Self;
Insomnia's a cunt.
...
andI'm also really hungry.
But the kitchen is all the way down the stairs.

There Is Evil In Our World.

I woke up today.
Got dressed.
Went to college.
Sat though my lectures.
Drank energy drinks to keep me awake.
I laughed with people.
It was a good enough day.
There are some days like that.
Where you feel...happy?
But is it true happiness or just a fleeting visit from faux masks.
Biology this morning.
Boring as hell.
We sat and giggled up the back of the hall about Jackass.
Pointless really.
But for a while I had the illusion I was happy enough.
Either that it was just the caffeine.
I presume the latter.

Had an English exam this afternoon.
Scary to think my finals are only three weeks away.
And I feel no where near ready.
Some stupid closed book shit on some shitty play.
Stupid really.

People bother me.
I live my life avoiding certain ones.
One of them happened to get on the same train as me.
Stupid people.
They find any excuse to hurl abuse at you.
Sometimes I even believe what they tell me.
Just because it seems easier than fighting it.

Then we got on the bus to come up the road.
We were standing at the bus stop.
There was this woman with four kids.
She wasn't really old enough to have four kids by the look of it.
She looked older at first.
Then I realised she was no older than twenty.
She had four of them.
A toddler. Two of them in primary school. And one a bit older.
The toddler was walking around with a Daffodil.
He looked up at me with this sad expression on his face.
As his mother yelled at his sisters.

Then just stood there.
Looked down at the Daffodil.
And tore it to shreds.
Ripped it apart ever so brutally.
So young.
So full of anger.
They had dirty faces.
Running around wild.
As there mother hurled abuse.

They all got on the bus.
The toddler sat there and curled up on the chair.
Put his head in the corner as his mother snapped at him;
"Sit yer self doon properly ya muppet boi."
And then she started to her friend next to her;
"Look at the Packie on the bus.
In their Packie clothes.
With their fucking corner shops."
I wonder what will become of that little boy.
Will he become like his mother?
Will he come a hate filled boy?
Or will he even make it to adult hood?
Will he get an education?
Will he get the things kids deserve?

I don't really know.
But I know one thing.
All I know is I have this horribly empty feeling.
That little boy shouldn't feel like that at his age.
Like he's already seen the evils of the world.

Sad reality is he probably has.
Out town has it all.
To coin a phrase;
"Stomp out this disaster town."
It needs it.
I can't really figure out how to describe it to you.
I'm not very good with words.
So I'll let someone else do it instead;
"City of the dead.
At the end of another lost highway.
Signs misleading to nowhere.
City of the dammed.
Lost children with dirty faces today.
And no one really seems to care..."

Hold My Heart

I just saw the news.
About the shooting in America.
I don't understand how people can do that.
How they can be so sick.
I've just lost my faith in humanity.

Hold It Tight Till Dawn.

I didn't even bother going to bed last night.
Whats the point when I had to get up for class.
Calculus was a waste of fucking time.
We've finished the year course now.
So all that's left is studying our little buts off for the final.

I could have just slept all morning.
We sat there for an hour and a half and did NOTHING.
Then got told "well you can go home if you want.
Just tell me what you wanna go over in the next class."
Well.
I guess its better than sitting in that shitty room for 4 hours xD

So I got in my car and drove home.
Its only half an hour.
Its not that far.
But I got bored.
And I didn't have anything else to do.
So I decided to take a drive.
Just keep driving and see what happened.
So I drove up to the Rest And Be Thankful.
Best road in the country.
And I parked at the top of the hill.
And just sat in my car looking at the countryside.

I was just sitting there.
With the radio on.
And The Cure "Friday I'm In Love."
And I just sat and cried.
And I cried and I don't know WHY.
That's what bothers me.
The Cure are the only band that can reduce me to HAPPY tears.

~ I just can't understand why.
Its starting to bother me.
I guess it reminds me of him.
I know he's gone.
There's nothing in the world that will bring him back.
I stood by him as they lowed the coffin and yet it still hasn't sunk in.
I don't know quite what to make of its.
It's silly isn't it.
A year and a half later to still be thinking about it.
But I still miss him.
Every moment of every day.
He was my best friend.
He was the only guy that I knew who wasn't interested in one thing.
He was too good for the world any way.

But still I treasure every memory.
I never want them to fade.
I never want to forget them.
Because they were the only times I was truly happy.
I want to remember those times.
And smile.
And cry like I did today.
Even though I sat there and just cried.
I think I needed that time.
To try and accept it.
For the first time I told myself he was gone.
I didn't act like it never happened.

And I feel so much better for it.
Sometimes to move on.
I think you need to accept what happened.
And deal with it.
I think I need to do that.
I'll deal with it
I CAN do it.

"All that I have.
All that I hold.
All that is wrong.
All that I feel for or trust in or love.
All that is gone."

I See No Point.

I don't see the point.
Of pretending to be who I'm not anymore.
It's not got me anywhere.
I change who I am to fit in with people around me.
Because I'm terrified of being in this world alone.
The thought alone makes me want to.
Go down to the bridge.
And throw myself off it.

I doubt that anything here is real.
The people here are fake.
Fake like me.
So I guess I fit in.
In that case I guess I belong here.
But.
I don't want to be here.
I can't be here.
This town is killing me.
And it isn't even softly.

These Days Are Getting Old.

Have you ever felt...
As if your the only on in the world.
I get down when I see my friends.
They have their boyfriends and girlfriends.
Then I look at me.
Still searching and wanting just anyone to fill the empty space.
Then again.
They tell me its worth the wait.

Sometimes I can't understand how my moods shift.
Its half past three in the am.
Again I'm still awake.
I have too much on my mind to handle.
I have nightmares at night.
About what would happen if I failed college this year.
I can't afford to.
Yet I doubt I'm going to pass.

I always feel like I am behind.
Behind in every sense.
At college.
In life in general.

We had a BBQ for dinner tonight.
And I sat outside in silence.
On the grass in our garden.
And watched Venus appear in the twilight sky.
And I felt a flutter in my heart.
As a flock of birds flew over head.
And the tide was coming in on the river estuary.
The wind was warm - unusually warm for April in Scotland.

I sat and just stared around me.
And I had an Epiphany.
Theres so much beauty in this world.
But why do we always see the negative?
Why are we drawn to what is wrong.
Instead of appreciating what is right?
Its strange I know.
But I realised I can be such a negative person.
Mind you its punctuated by strangely optimistic bursts like tonight.
Maybe I should try to look for the positive more often.
Look at the doors that are opening instead of closing.
Maybe the change wont be so bad.
Everything happens for a reason.
Even though I have trouble dealing with that.
But I guess I'll just remember that moment.
Spring is a time of change.
I'm changing.
I just don't know if its for the good yet.
I'm not sure I want to know.

Dr. Dr. Give Me Something.

I woke up today.
After Three hours sleep.
Wondering what the hell was wrong with me.
I sat for a long time this morning.
In the small hours out in my garden.
Smoking a cigarette and looking at the river.

I preach to my friends.
About loving yourself.
And accepting yourself.
That to love life you have to love yourself.
Yet I don't.
I'm a hypocrite and a fake.
I am what angers me.
I am my own worst enemy.
I am the plague upon my town.
I am just as bad as everyone else.

I get so stressed out.
I get so irritated and angry at everything.
The florescent light outside my job.
Hums like an angel.
When you live in a place like that.
Your never alone.
Your a face in a sea of people.
Glowing in ultraviolet light.
Yet your insignificant.

Your one in a million.
Indistinguishable from the crowd.
Unknown and undiscovered.
Hoping one day.
Someone might come across you.
And set you free.
So for just one person.
You are the world.
That they see you.
And not the crowd.

I am drunk on my own words.
Of selfishness and deceit.
I deceive myself.
And others around me.
I'm like a poet on payday.

Tha a h-ule duan-eachdraidh.
Is mise a’ torit fuaim air bangam basganta, duanach.
Criteirachd.

What Am I To Do?

This place gets me down.
The world in general.
Sometimes I think to hard.
Read too deep.

I get so tired of all the crap that goes on inside these walls.
The yelling and the arguing why can't we all get on?
It feels as I am alone sometimes.
And the rest of the time I want to be alone.

I'm a mess inside.
Going round in circles.
Wondering what is going to happen to me?
After all this at college this year?
Next year were all going different places.
Things are changing and I'm terrified.
I've lived my life with these people.
17 years we've spent.
And next year will be the first we've spent apart.
Different colleges.
Different sides of the country.
I'll be alone.
I don't know anyone.
But I've made my decision and now I must go though with it.
Because this is my future.
A future I want to live.
I want to make the most of it.
I've worked hard to get it.
But whats the point if my friends are gone?
Its great achievement.
But you cant have a laugh with it when your down.
Or pass notes to it in the back of lectures.

Then again I talk crap.
I confuse my self more than you will ever know.
I've decided this blog shall remain Anon.
So I can spill it all with out people knowing who I am.
Because I don't even trust a diary in my room anymore.

Sad thing is its 3am and I'm not tired anymore.