Quick Fade.

Let me drift away with music in my ears, find the colours and play in your mind like a play when conversation has run dry. It all passes by in the blink of an eye you know, I feel as if I’m isolated even in a room of people, I feel only does no one get that, I guess in a strange way I want to be nothing more than you could ever imagine. I don’t know what people see in my I am nothing special, I am merely a hypocritical noise that mutters away in the background of your brain. That little voice that you try to make shut up and still you aim to be what it tells you to be. What they think you should be am I am no difference. Don’t get excited and think “hey shes different” I’m the same as every one of you mother fuckers out their you just don’t know it. I’m just as lazy, or rather in most cases even more lazy. I may be a little heardheaded and argumentative, but that is my down fall.

Most of all none of you seem to realise what a bitch I can be, what the damage this time round. I’m feeling like I can’t go on, can’t go on this way, I’d love to flip back one hundred pages and let the broken letters fade. Another moments lost again to the wind, but there is always the “hey, hey, heys” to pull you though, wither you like it or not. There isn’t too much left of me anymore. I know I say this all the time but I am the biggest fake of all, I know none of you bother to click this page and regularly check updates. I guess that’s why I can write to abruptly, without mercy about myself. How can you be my friend when I am not even a friend of my own. Truth is I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I hate who I am. I hate what I look like. I hate myself, and if I can’t even like myself it makes me wonder am I a proper friend to you? Do I treat you with the respect I think you deserve I’m sure I don’t I don’t think I treat any of you properly, if I could I would make alright for you all, and make everything better, and that’s what I should be doing. I’m consumed by fixing everything.

I want to hear and see smiles again, smiles that I have brought…because I cant make myself smile, maybe I can make up for it by making you smile once in a while. That might balance it out a bit.

Expendable

Not so much realism more the unreal of the up and down, more the disorientation and the fact that I’m not quite sure where everything is anymore, its not like I want to think like that, can’t help it, medicated harmonies sing in my head and its off key again. Its everything I want to not be, everything I would rather not be. Save me from my self and sing me to sleep, I’ll take this to my grave if you take it to yours, but I doubt you will. Just the lucky unlucky I hit the few highs every now and then but its not worth the hassle, I can laugh but I’m never sure inside if it is real. I seem to take the highs along side a huge dose of pessimistic infection. I’m sick with it. I can take a day like to day and turn it around in to how the hell am I going to fall again. There isn’t much left, there isn’t much at all inside. I’m cold turkey and this is the hardest thing I have every done. If I look back and think that I did all this shit on my own what else can I do, then realise I never did it on my own. I never do anything by myself I have that little voice in the back of my head telling me what to do. I sound cry. I am crazy you just don’t understand something I think I would rather die then try to deal with all of this. I want my head back. Want to deal with the signs and sighs and the hurt and pain without overmedicated restless sleep. Sing me to sleep in a grave before knocking me out with the grave end of the shovel. I don’t want to be like this, don’t’ want to be me, don’t want to be you. Don’t want to be here, fade away in to obscurity and die in a corner. That’s the life for me. The murkiness vs the light, the hidden vs the public, sanity vs insanity and the complications inside. Writing that isn’t really writing and more transforming thoughts from my head in to text and tying to get them to read in an order that makes them vaguely understandable. I see it like an outsider, lucid nightmares that aren’t nightmares. If you could see inside my head I’d be sectioned in a second. Do you understand that I am expendable for the kill. I am nothing. I am broken.

I wonder?

would any one notice,
would anyone care?
if i had the guts to take these now
i would.
it doesn't matter now anyway.
too late for salvation,
too late for me now.
"There's no room in this hell
and there's no room in the next"
i'm already dead.

Moderate

Sociability vs individuality and where do you draw that line? I’m always suck in between wanting to please the world and wanting to please myself, I can’t quite get the balance right. I’m lost in what seems to a revolving door that’s getting faster and faster. Caught between self medication and the inability to function normally. I don’t quite have my brain screwed on anymore. I don’t know who to tell you what’s wrong with me, where to start, where to take it to. I know you are there, don’t get me wrong I will never accuse you of that, but I don’t know how to get where you are, if you understand where I am going with this. They make it out to be so simple, so god damn straight forward, its not. I’m at war with myself, please ignored me when you see. I won’t tell you anyway. I’d make the world about you, because you deserve it. I’m suck between my mind and my heart and my conscience if I even have one. Numb to touch of the heart I’m not too good at this game anymore, I think I’m on my last life. I’ve tried to stockpile memories, I’m sick again, its not serious, c’mon and catch up with me. I can’t hold this up anymore, its too heavy to stop it falling. Glass looks so amazing broken, don’t you notice that. When the light catches the polarised crystals on the pavement they look like faux diamonds. The worlds left me behind, there is a life outside my room that I can’t find, this is the last that I have, this is all that I have left its slipping away from me, when will you all understand I am losing it already. I’m waiting to break, like the moment you hold that crystal ball and drop it. The slow motion as it leaves your hands and hurtles towards the earth at – 9.8ms-2 and I can see the moment of impact. Oh I miss you. You don’t know it. I miss the only member of my family who seemed to know right away what was wrong, I want my sister. It sounds so juvenile for fuck sake I am an adult right? I want my sister, I want to cry on someones shoulder, just cry and let it all out, I want to be able to tell her whats wrong. I feel almost like I’m breaking a promise to her, like I should be telling her all this, I promised never to hide it from you. I never have…I’ve just not told you. You did it too you moved on with you life, you made a life for yourself. In six months time all goes to plan I’ll be moving out. I’m so happy and yet so scared and I’m so excited but I don’t want to be on my own. I don’t want to live on my own, I don’t know how to get by that. I can’t sleep its like my brain doesn’t want to switch off anymore. I need to sleep, I can feel the lack of it clicking away on my keyboard at four am. I’m waiting for my mind to decided its had enough fighting me and give in. Its not like its that fucking hard is it. Its not like it could try and act normal for once. I’m not much of a person I guess, I’m not at all what you expect me to be. I’m bad for doing what I was told, I don’t take meds then I don’t take it right and then I take too much. I feel like I don’t care anymore. Does that make me heartless, I find the time in the spaces of my nerves between writing on paper and in my head, its not like I want to feel, sometimes I know in my head that I should care about this, but I don’t. I know some things should upset me and they don’t. I hate how I rely on a capsule sometimes I love the thought of knowing I can administer that when ever I feel. Sometimes I put my mind in a capsule just to see what it will do or what shit it will come up with next to just spite me again. You just want to be a tragedy, just dying to be tragic, just dying. I’d love to manipulate the mirror so I could make it show what I wanted, make it show you what I want you to see. Carefree in the bliss. It doesn’t work that way I know I wont fool you in to that, your are much too intelligent – you know the truth. If he heroes only love heroines then what am I and where so I fit in to the master plan, not so much the carriers and the rescuers more the left behind, the forgotten and unwanted. This wafe and stray doesn’t quite know what to do with herself anymore in the eerie silence of the night, there isn’t much at all to do, to say to feel. I’m not the most eloquent person, mealy a way to get it out my head, words will never be though to describe what goes on but it is an attempt at trying to be sane. I’ve been trying to count backwards all night to turn myself off and make the sleep take me one cell at a time but it doesn’t seem to be happening it all. Active in the midst of the world shutting down for the night, periodic state of paralysis. I’d love to suspend myself in it. If this was a movie the phone would be ringing to tell me everything is alright that someone out there listens to this foolish attempt to communicate. Tears spill from left and across to the right, its not as attractive as it is in the stories, you see the little girl with glinting eyes as the world tells her just how to survive. Its not like that in real life let me tell you that. All I can wait to do now is slip though the cracks and fade in to obscurity taking in to account that fact that I was never prominent anyway. I want to be touched in the heart, moved, truly moved and not like a pawn in a game. I’m just going to go for the easiest, because this is a ghost town, is it insane I keep my TV on loud so I don’t feel alone in my own room? This is just an incoherent ramble though time to waste time to make time to close my eyes and dream away the hope of tomorrow that I so readily need and never seem to obtain. This year has fallen cold, and bounced of tiles and gone insane to the point where reality is irrational fears and the thought of getting trampled on by my self. It seems to pick up to just drop again, bouncing like a ball, each bounce is shorter, slower, it seems to get so much easier to give up. Knock and tumble to stand up again, much easier to stay down again I think it is that way baby. I know you forget me, you only come running when it’s a stormy day, the cage didn’t spin the bird free, it locked it back up. Its locking me away ready to throw away the key.

Some Advice

I’m stick behind lead walls
Oh please please get me out of here
I know it I do
That I am going down again
I feel forgotten inside my own head,
I’m leaving my own self behind,
A letter to myself:

Dear myself:
Forget what everyone tells you about life, because they are all wrong, you feel like shit, you feel forgotten, you feel lost. You are. So move on, don’t trust, don’t breath a single work to others. Close up shop and forget the world exists. Go back to living in your room afraid of the world, go back to hostility and forget the kind words. They never ask about you, they never know how you feel. They say they can read though you, but can they? Can they? When you lol down aim or when you laugh down the phone, can they see that really you are putting it on to keep them happy. As long as they are happy you can get buy knowing this is hurting no one but you. Hurt yourself like usual, before anyone else can. Make your heart cold before anyone else can and most of all remember, all that glitters is not gold. You are not gold. He said to me on Tuesday; “I love the way your eyes glitter in light” As I smiled and just said “thank you” you are not golden. You are not silver. You are not bronze. Copper out, copper in. Your insides are copper. You are the most cold hearted person I have ever met, lost the ability to relate to others, lost the ability to convey emotions. I love the way the world likes to throw stones at me and weights for me to shatter. I hate to tell you kid, your gonna die. Not I wish I could go back before I met them, and take one too many, take several too many, fuck it take a bottle to many and pass out on the floor. I never did this to hurt them. You are nothing, listen as I tell you what I really think of you. I hate you. You are ugly. You are fat. You are stupid. You can not write. You can not play. You can’t even make friends. They will leave you, not like me, not like the pills on the bedside table that you keep secret from your friends, that you keep quiet from yourself. You can not admit properly you have a problem. You are nothing. Deal with it and fade away from the world. It will be the only good thing you ever do. When the world kicks you down, stay down. Don’t go for help, don’t ask for a hand, don’t hold on to anything. Just let go and drown. It’s the only way out.
See you on the other side sunshine
xo

We're Not Gonna Pay Rent

What binds the fabric together,
When the raging, shifting winds of change,
Keep ripping away?

Not for the faint hearted

On the ground again
Oh help me were not making it though this
The world is on fire
And the police are being murdered
Its quiet today
I think I know whats going on
I’m too scared to say encase I got it wrong
I’m making a bad mistake
Spent the day in haze
In haze of prescriptions
And RX
Cept we don’t call it that here
Inside is a winding circle
And a circle that’s going back and back on itself
Lost in circles
Oh I want to end this here
Please just be one too many next time.

I am Loco

Just kill me
I can't breath,
All that is gone,
Is guiding me to the end.
When the sickness makes me break.
I feel like I am dying.
I beg myself to put my pride upon a shelf.
Life is not forever,
But if life would stay together,
Then I would have a friend.
And my depression have an end.
I've been thinking,
And thinking always gets me in to trouble,
But since I have a double personality.
Its alright it seems.

Everything was fine until you came along

"homewrecker with a heart of gold"

Sometimes you can't make it on your own.

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

Lets just sit here.

They'll give up looking for me eventually.
You need eachother.
Dont let go.
Please.

You show promising signs of failure

So you have water under you
Because I'm sure I smell a plan.
Tap in to your inner superhero.
And come and get me.
Because this isn't going to get done humanly.
The casualties will pile up.
There is something I've been wanting to say to you.
I don't really talk and I dont know why.
Your gonna be ok.
I can feel the walls closing in.
If I'm not back by 8 promise you will go without me.
I can't leave without seeing your face again.
Can't leave without seeing this all over again.
Oh my.
Ordaned in the night.
Since when was this so cheep?

Cut the red threads...

Invisible, like a ghost, lost in transit.
I’m not sure what I am.
I’m not sure who I am.
I’m not sure there is even a me left.
So empty without the giggled around.
I am just a cover for something far more sinister.
Oh please oh please oh please touch me inside.
That way I might feel on fire again.
I love the passion in the voice.
In the guitar and the bass, the drums and the way they move a room.
I need something on par.
I’d love to wake up to someone in the morning.
Listen to them whisper my name in security.
I would love to have someone to cling to while I fall again.
Falling again.
Always falling.
Oh say this is it.
Say this is it.
Don’t say next time please.
I want this to end now.
I want this to cease to be.
Oh you were the lucky one to pass in your sleep.
Please when I go to bed tomorrow.
Don’t wake me up until this ends.
The innocent are going.
And September ended long ago.
There’s been so much rain I’m not sure where it and the river begins.
There is no identity here and you can’t lose.
If you don’t own in the first place.
I can’t wait to here the bluebells ring again.
And everything flourishes.
I love to watch walls.
There the only things that don’t talk back to be.
I miss my cat how sad is that.
Because in the beginning he was the one who sat with me though the night.
When no one else remembered me.
I feel forgotten.
Feel like rotten.
It’s hard not to change.
This place does things to you.
I want you to get the hell out of here.
Underneath it all, am I still a good person?
“good for you honey”
I think…maybe…
I’ve been thinking about this last year.
I’ve done things I would never have done.
I’ve let people down I know I have.
I’ve burned bridges that were breaking anyway.
Built new ones.
And then started to burn them down again.
I’m leaving the country tonight.
Ok in mind only.
Take me faraway.
When I take the capsule it’s a holiday from myself.
A holiday from my own mind.
My own mind is just upstairs.
I can tell it anything I want. I can tell it anything at the moment.
But I can’t seem to get the words out.
Can’t make anything out.
Too late for “your ok”
And “We’re going to make it though.”

I thought that you needed me more.

I feel broken,
Fuck you and your fucking friends.
You would ditch me in a fucking breath,
Wouldn’t you?
Well you fucking did that to me today didn’t you.
You fucking ditched me.
Fucking bitch.
Well next time you can’t be fucking bothered,
I wont be bothered either.
You know I should have learned the millionth time round.
I’m done with friends.
They’ll only ever leave you.
Done with meeting new people.
“These friends are, new friends are golden”
Your fucking WRONG
WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG
There not fucking golden.
There as fake as fucking yellow paint.
Standing in moonlight but black on in the inside.
I’ve given you a part of myself.
Time and energy
And you don’t give a shit do you.
You don’t care.
You don’t get it.
Oh I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate me.
I fucking hate how you fucking make me laugh.
And still I fucking cling.
Because I can’t stand to be alone,
And I do stupid things by myself.
In Between Days make me feel like I’m alone.
I don’t want to live here.
Shit I wish I lived anywhere but here.
Why am I do I feel like I am constantly just counting down the days
Until I am no longer a social suicide.
That’s all I am.
Remember that next time you walk down the street with me.
Maybe I am nothing.
Maybe I’ll be remembered for nothing.
I hope I’m remembered for being nothing.
Because that is all I am.
Drink down the gin and kerosene.
And then set myself on fire.
I still have a “disease”
Your all the fucking same.

In reponse

"Our friends will all make fun of us,
And we'll just laugh along because,
We know that none of them have felt this way."

Tsubasa

asa ga kuru made tomoshita akari wa kaze ni mi wo yurashite
toosugita asu hikari ga hoshikute kyandoru wo mitsumeteta

fukasugiru yoru kodoku wa itsudemo sei no jikkan wo kureta
kotae wa nai kedo kokoro ni hikari wo tomosou

konjiki no joukei ga kuro wo asa ni nurikaeteyuku
kimi no mune ni ikiru tsuyosa wo sou tashika ni ataete

I cannot wait for the morning. Because no one wants solitude.

tsunaida yubisaki sae mamoritai yo sono koe mo yureta kami mo kono te de
riyuu wa nai to shite mo asu wa kimi ni

narihibiita mezame no koe wa takaraka de
shizukana kodou mune ni himete kono yoru wo akasou
tomoshita hikari wa kokoro no yami wo sotto terashite

amaku yureta veruvetto no heya de
rou wa tsuma wo tatete kizuato wo nokoshi
yuruyaka ni adeyaka ni dinaa wo

asa ga kuru made kogoeta karada wa nukumori wo sagashite
suberikonda shiatsu no sukima wa biroodo

konjiki no joukei ga kuro wo asa ni nurikaeteyuku
kimi no mune ni ikiru tsuyosa wo sou tashika ni ataete

I cannot wait for the morning. Because no one wants solitude.

tsunaida yubisaki sae mamoritai yo sono koe mo yureta kami mo kono te de
riyuu wa nai to shite mo asu wa kimi ni

kowaresouna zouka no bara wa azayaka de
terasareteitai akai yume ni kono heya wo someyou
tomoshita hikari wa kokoro no yami wo sotto terashite

Insted all I found was a letter

sometimes i wonder what goes inside my mind
when i thought that i could make it though this
this is the end for me.

Here and Now

Gonna fall apart first.

Be My Little Rock'n'Roll Queen.

Love me like you fucking mean it.
Don't pay me lip service.
It doesn't wash with me.

The legend of the Loch Ness Monster dates back 1400 years

So close to snapping its unreal.
I feel like I’m being stretched like a piece of elastic.
About to snap back.
Gonna kick off soon I can feel it.
I’m tired, over tired, hardly slept at all.
So close to just breaking down now.
Going to freak out,
Going to break myself.
I want to break myself.
I hate the person I see in the mirror.
I hate what I am.
I want to be someone else.
I want to be away from here.
A new start where I can be me.
Where I can be the person I want to be.
I want something nice to happen for once.
Instead of feeling like the bad are drowning me.
I wish I wasn’t in love.
Wish I was in love with someone who loved me back.

At night we're painting you trash gold while you sleep.

Maybe I’m on the wrong road.
Starting to feel down about the fact I’m not taking care of people.
I’m the one that looks after everyone.
I’m the one who hides my problems.
I’m the one who looks after my friends.
I’m supposed to be taking care of you.
I’m too busy falling apart to see everyone else around me doing the same.
I want to fix you.
Want to make you better.
But deep down inside I know that there is nothing I can do.
I want to make you better.
I want to make sure that you have the life that you deserve.
That you meet all the right people.
I want to cotton wrap you to make sure you never get hurt.
I want to keep you mine forever.
But I can’t.
Drift apart from me.
I drag you down.
I feel like cutting my own throat open.
I have failed you.
Too busy thinking about myself.
I’m sorry I’m a bad friend.
Sorry I can’t keep you golden.
But still. I’m gonna try.

"please wake me up before the trumpets sound and when i disappear come find me in some south american town"

Some people don’t understand.
I don’t.
I want to lock the rational part of me away.
And the irrational.
And keep it away.
I want to get buy. I want to operate without the curse of emotions.
Want to wake to a world that is empty.
I know you would come if I ended this all today.
And its crossed my mind.
I wrote all the things I hate about myself down.
On me.
So I would never, ever forget them.
I etched it in letter my letter in to my skin.
That way I look at it.
I see it.
I know it.
I hate it.
Red against peach.
I want to cut it open.
Want to scream until I throw up blood.
That way it is all so very right
I’m hoping that you know.
When I go.
That it is not for you to take offence too.
I want to cleanse my self.
Get rid of myself.
Same thing.
I love the colour red.
Love to see it run down my arms.
As I grit my teeth and bear though it.
Watch it hit the water in the basin.
Watching the water turn red.
Red and black.
Red and fact.
I am beautiful on the inside.
I don’t care about the inside.
Just care about the outside.
I don’t feel right in these clothes.
Don’t feel right in these cloths.
Don’t feel right in me.
I compete.
In everything.
I lose in everything,
Lose in myself.
Don’t let a baby cry.
Baby, baby, baby, gonan lose her way.
Losing her way.
Dead end road.
No way to go.
Its like signing up for a forum that’s dead.
‘Please verify email address.’

"Take our tears and put them on ice"

I want to take myself back, take back my mind,
My soul,
Bring back the person I know,
This is not me, it’s ‘me’ to the fifth,
I love being ignored.
I love feeling my skin burn if only to remind me I can feel.
Sometimes I get so mad for no reason.
I flip out and freak out.
I’m sick of putting myself out for other people
Sick of going out my way for others.
Sick of having something I have put my heart in to throwing away so easy.
I’m going to stop that now, stop myself putting anything in to anything.
Because it’s a joke how lightly some people take it.
I’m done with fucking with my own heart.
Done with all this shit.
Maybe I need a break from here all tonight.
Thinking of leaving here,
All of this forever.
It would do more good than bad,
You know what its like.
Gonna trade myself down.
Can’t afford this model, might as well take it back,
Go a step lower.
Back down again.
Because all I ever do is go up and down.
Manic Depressive.
What a fantastic title.
Lost in my own mind.
Lock me up.
Make me a prisoner.
Bring back my sanity,
No need to gift wrap it.
Throw it even, if we dropped it you wouldn’t notice.
Sometimes I wonder if I was born without it.
Most probably was.
Sick of myself and my self destruction.
I’d love to set myself alight.
Burn myself like a bonfire.
That way at least then I should shine bright.
I’m an addict, I keep coming back for more and more,
I’m suck on repete, broken records and silent streets.
I love the feeling of being up early in the morning,
Walking on empty streets,
While everyone else is asleep.
Its almost perverted in a way,
And yet at the same time I feel safe.
I can go out and no one is there to laugh at me.
No one to make fun of me.
No one to point me out of the round.
If you’re the only one around…
There is no crowd.
My perfect world…
Lets hang out tomorrow again.
Same people, same time.
Only in my head.
Only people in this world are the ones I imagine in my head.
Sometimes, I wonder…
I have great friends, how did I earn them?
Because I don’t deserve them,
I didn’t do anything to buy them…
It’s strange…I feel like I shouldn’t have them.
It’s too good to be true.
Makes me think I’ve made them up inside my head.
As if I’m going crazy.
I probably am.
My perfect world is just me and my head.
No one to tell me about how I should think inside it.
That is perfection.
I know I’ve said it again and again.
Living life to its fullest like there is no tomorrow.
Truth is there is never tomorrows.
Only today’s.
Today is the tomorrow we have worried about.
And I’m losing sleep over nothing.
Anxieties are taking over me.
Like a plague from the past.
I’m living in shells, in red, in black.
I wish I was as cool as you.
No matter how much I try.
I never seem to climb too high.
Scared of falling back down again.
I want to run away, want to hide away.
Better than facing the sunrise, sunset, falling apart.
Strip me of me,
And see whats left behind.
I bet it’s the same.
I’m gone.
I don’t know where I am.
Don’t know where I’ve been or where I am going.
“I’ve got a sunset.
And I need to take a pill to make this town feel ok”

I am expendable for the kill.

It's not gossip if its the truth.

I'm losing everyone.

we romanticise our mistakes

I'm sick of putting my heart and soul
in to something stupid
just to have it thrown away as useless
i give up.
no point in it as all.

This Crystal Ball...

There are things in this world I just couldn’t live without,
I know I don’t understand how this all works.
Its something I’m not great at.
I guess I wonder am I don’t this all right,
Because there are no instructions in this game,
Like you said it’s all DIY
But isn’t that what makes this fun?
The fact that we are not constricted by rules.
There’s no roll dice move two steps.
It’s far more complicated than that.
But the best way I’ve found is to wing it.
As long as you have your friends by your side its perfectly alright.
I’ve come to realise lately that life isn’t as long as you think.
That at any moment you can have it ripped away.
So the time we do have.
All of this.
Means everything.
And I intend to spend it living.

Living is not breathing.
Nor is it your heart beating.
Living is:
Laughing on the phone for hours,
Laughing at inside jokes in the cinema,
Ten hour bus rides,
Boat rides,
Sitting on the concrete,
Laughing and joking.
Being pulled together by red threads.

I’d love to tie more of them to me and everyone of you.

I've done a lot of things wrong but I swear I'm a believer.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother trying to do nice things.
Half the time its shoved back in my face.
I work my ass off and no one gives a shit.
I get up and I so the fucking house.
No one even says fucking thank you.
It’s fucking bullshit.
Sometimes I want to curl up in the corner and cry.
I want to cry and cry like I won’t be able to cry ever again.
Scream at the moon.
Just let it all fucking out.
I’m so frustrated its unbelievable.
I want out of here.
Out of my own skin.
Out of my mind.
It’s better that way for us all.
See I’m nothing like what you think I am.
Impatient and selfish.
I’m being selfish again and wanting my own way.
What’s the fucking point of trying when no one gives a shit.
I do something.
Then ten minutes later someone else does the same thing.
Who gets noticed.
Not me.
But that’s me being selfish yet again.
Selfish fucking bitch.
I’m sick of fucking breaking my back for you.
I’m though with this shit.
It’s the last time I do something for someone else.
Fuck you.

Your not even getting an xo this time.

Burry me with them.

There is a few things I’ve learnt the last week or so.
I had doubts that I never voiced.
About how close we were as a ground and how solid we were.
And I do feel bad for thinking like that.
But that’s just me.
I get insecure and doubt not just others but myself.
I have a mess of a head.
Like watching everything though frosted glass.
The crystal ball was always cloudy except when you look in to the past.
I became obsessed with the thought that things were falling apart.
That I was losing people close to me.
I was wondering about going to London.
If it would confirm it or prove me round.
Fuck I was proved more wrong than I ever was.
I realised I have some of the most wonderful people in the world.
That I have friends who really are friends.
That we’re fucking sold as gold.
It completely wiped all the doubts from me.
And suddenly it feels like we’re closer than ever.
I’m shocked, truly shocked.
That everything seems to be so much more…solid than it was before.
I know things are changing.
But that’s life.
Sometimes to changed too fast for us.
And slower than we need it too.
Your moving and it’s scary for you and us.
But you’re not that far away as it feels.
And in the end things will have changed one day.
Comfort zones are changing.
It’s a year of change.
It will be different yet the same.
If you get what I mean.
And even though were going to be apart,
I know we will see each other,
I want to let you guys know.
All of you.
Steph, Shin, Reppy and even Kelz and Shazz
I love all of you to bits.
Seriously.
Steph, Shin and Reppster.
Feels so much more sold.
And Kelz it was amazing meeting you.
And Shazz dude you know I’m always an IM away,
And we’ll get you over to the UK somehow ^__~
I guess in a weird ass way I’m trying to tell you all,
How much you mean to me,
Because I don’t feel like I do that often enough.
Stay gold all of you.

XO

City Dark

Hotel room,
Like a flash back room the past,
I've heard people say that they give you inspiration to write.
They do indeed.
I'm working on a book type thing
Well more of a story of what happened while we were here in London.
It will be ready soon.
I took pen to paper the tonight and started working on it,
I will continue tonight.
Lots of videos and photos for everyone to see.
Such and an amazing place this city,
Its huge, Ive never seen anything like it.
I've never seen a place this big.
it's amazing.
We got off the bus and looked around, walked though Victoria station and took a deep breath.
It was aw inspiring.
It sounds stupid but I've never been in a place like this.
I've never been to s city this big.
The last four days has been somewhat of a blur.
almost surreal.
I'm sorry I was off a bit when I met you.
Everything just felt like it wasn't happening.
like a dream.
I feel as if everything has gone way too fast.
I'm caught up in a whirlwind that is London.
We went to Piccadilly Circus today.
it was huge.
We went shopping in China town and it was amazing.
god I fucking love this city.
I love it so much.
There's so much life here.
So much creativity.
So many people f all different races and places.
The look son their faces when they see Scottish money xD

I think I like this place very much indeed.
Smile like you mean it.
I do mean it.
this weekend has brought us closer as friends.
closer in every sense.
We've shared some deep conversations this weekend.
The ones that make you smile in the heart.
I feel light this weekend.
As if nothing in the world could hurt me.
I've realised no matter how many times we fight,
That you are always there for me.
That you are always, always going to have my back.
no matter how many time I doubt it.
I'm insecure we all know it but at the same time I know you will always be there for me.
I love you all like your my family.
we've known each other forever.
Too long.
I know I get upset and clingy.
but I don't mean to annoy you.
There have been some parts of this weekend that have been a very, very tough test of our character.
But we're ok and we're doing great.
I love you all.

i'll be home soon.
I' m going to open a new journal for my writing project.
I need a name though.
XD
Dramalama and all.
There's been more.
Consisting of one person bitching and glaring and reconsideration of who are friends.
though the three with me.
There sold as gold.
Keep yourself gold.
All of you.
Love you all like there's no tomorrow.
Truefuckinglove.
<3

lyrics worthy of buddy tattoos?...Ja!

"i know you would be there either way
im so glad it seems like these times will never fade."

It will be there forever.
Like you.
Hopefully.

Don'tbe dainty in spirt.
Enough people will try to stomp on you.
Burn bright kiddo.
You're the brightest spark I know.

Biometric.

I’m a pill away from norm.
Set point.
Negative feedback control.
Swallow.
Set point.
Back to norm.
Always one pill away.
We’re all always one pill away.
From happiness.
From cure.
From death?
Will I take one too many.
Oneday…
Will I cross the fine line?

Can't Say It Often Enough

"Ain't it good to know that you've got a friend
People can be so cold
They'll hurt you, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh yeah, but don't you let them

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you got to do is call
Lord I'll be there, yes I will
You've Got A Friend."

Champagne for my REAL friends real PAIN for my sham friends

Conversations bring out the worst in me.
To be honist I'm not that great with words.
I can never express just the right emotion with them.
I can never get across the point that I want clearly enough.
I can never give them the weight they need to sink in.

There are four boys in this world.
That mean more to me than life or death.
Theres words in those songs.
That have spoken louder than any pill or shrink.
They held more meaning than anything I've heard before.
It seemed like every time I was down,
When I needed a star it was there.
Still is.
I don't like to burden peopel with problems.
Yet I trust them to people.
All too often I get burned.
But this time.
I trusted them to someone who's proved more than responsible enough to deal.
I've trusted my soul to cds.
Cds that saved my life.
Dragged me out the gutter when no one was looking.
And brought me to a point where I could begin to live again.
Begin to life.
Make friends.
Trust.
Make music.
Love.

Without it...where would I be.
I don't like to dwel on what ifs...
They upset me.
Make me realise how close I came to ending it all.
Then again they make me thing how lucky I am.
I did trust again.
I took that step and look where I am.

I have awsome friends.
One who will travel 700 miles to see me.
'I would walk 500 miles then 500 more'
I know FoB might be a lure.
But you have no I-fucking-dea how much that means.
I know I sound soppy.
But its like we're on the same wavelength.
The thing is you understand what it feels like.
To know that everything isn't right in you head.
I take a pill in the morning not to make it right.
But to mask my problems.
Not the way to deal I know but it keepts the peace.
Keept me at peace.

Not one pill keeps me sane like you do though.

I Have Something to Tell You

I don't give my friends the recognition,
The praise,
Or the attention they deserve.
I'm sorry.

All that shines is not golden.

There something very disheartening about some of my friends.
They don’t really care about anything I like.
We’ve been friends for almost 18 years now…
And they act as if I’m nothing to them.
Taken for granted and kicked about.
‘She’ll always be there to take the slack.’
One day I’ll disappear and I wont be there to pick up your mess and tidy it up.
I always seem to be the fixer,
Fixing problems and working them out,
Despite my lack of logic.
If I can iron out creases this big I’d be fucking famous.
The new Jerry Springer.
Only this time round there not someone else’s problems.
There mine.
I can dish out advice by the bucket load.
Tell people that its ok to cry,
Ok to feel down,
Ok to feel like the world gets on top of you.
Only I can never take my own advice.
I’m such a fucking hypocrite.
I’m such a fucking liar.
I take a pill in the morning to get me though the day and I hate myself for it.
It’s crazy that I have to take a pill to make myself feel alright.
To convince myself that everything is ok,
Ha! I find that fucking hilarious.
The one person who everyone goes to for advice is more fucked up then them.
How ironic is that?
I find shit like this hilarious.
I laugh at how stupid it fucking is.
That I take a pill to make everything fucking bearable.
Like its going to make a difference.
It might make me a nicer person to be around…
But that’s not me then is it.
Then again,
There are very few people who put up with me.
99.999% of this world hate me.
That 0.001% that’s left put up with me for an hour.
And out of that there’s only three people who really fucking know me.
All three are on the other side of a screen.

How pathetic.
The people who know me.
Who I’ve known my entire life.
Know less about me than those who have the privilege of reading this blog.
Sad part is…
We used to be close.
We used to care about each other.
Or did I imagine that too…
I don’t think I can be around you anymore.
Because when I think of you.
I don’t think of good things.

Enough

Fuck this.
Why do I bother.
Fucking fucking fuck it.
Its not worth THIS.
I want me back again.
I don't want to be this.
I want to fucking stop this.
I WANT TO BE ME AGAIN!
I WANT MYSELF BACK!
I wonder where she is.

Heart

We started singing just a little too soon.

Fuck it.

Theres no point in anything.
Everyone lets you down in the end.
The people you thought were friends leave you without saying goodbye.
They just leave and they don't tell you that there gone.
Its like everything else in the world.
You turn your back for a moment and its all gone.
I'm sick of feeling used.
Picked up and throwen away when I'm not needed.
Yet theres something very repedative about this whole thing.
That I let it happen every time.
Because I'm so fucking selfish that all I want people there.
Am I being selfish?
Expecting people to hold to their comitments and promises.
After all promises are made to be broken.
No one really changes.
People never grow up.
They just disguse themself as reponsible adults.

Sorrys no good enough anymore.

Neverland is burning down.

So this is it, one day left college college.
Then everyone is going their separate ways.
It's as if I've been ripped apart from everyone I know.
EVeryone is going diffrent places next year.
My best fariends are all going to diffrent colleges.
Were splitting up.
Going on to new things.
And I'm scared.
That the people Ive spent 17 years of my life with will just...
find someone better and leave me.
I feel disasterously alone.
I hate it.
I hate hate hate hate hate it.
I feel like I'm being pulled apart.
That everything I know is dissapearing and I don't know how to deal with that.
Should I be scared or happy.
I'm a such a mess I don't know what to do.
I've been in a shitty mood all day.
I hate this place.

I hate being me.
I hate myself.
I hate my room.
Tonight for the first time in a long while I've hit rock bottom.
Again.
Just as I thought all this would dissapear.
That it was over.
Though I guess depression doesn't just wonder away.
It will always be there.
Just it wont be as bad sometimes as it is other times.
It will always be with me.
It just shows up at the most inconveniant times.

This sumemr shoudl be great.
My friend is flying out from america to see me.
And I'm going to London to see my favorites band.
With my best friends.
On our first holiday together with out adults.

Then I remember that in three months time.
I will be on my own.
And I don't like it at all.

Send my love to the dance floor.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
Pretty much sums up how my exams have went.
English wasn't that bad.
The close reading paper wasn't that bad.
Some of the questions were just plain stupid.
And the critical analysis paper was a joke.
They couldn't have made the questions any more perfect for my textes.
So of course I came out of a high on that one.
Considering I did nothing for it anyway.
So I didn't do that badly for not doing much revison.
I just memorised my quotes.
xD Oh I love being Scottish sometimes.

SO as you can guess I was on a pretty big high after that.
Came out all cocky like.
Then went in to maths yesterday.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH my god.
Bombed it so badly.
I've failed.
The non calc paper was alright.
I got about halfway though the paper until it got hard.
The second paper.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh it was fucking impossable.
So failed it.
So wahay were going to have to resit it.
~ Oh joy.

Biology on monday.
I'm looking forward to it though.
Its going to be good.
Its the only subject I'm not worried about.
xD

Oh lordie what am I to do.
Wh000p,
One exam left.
Then I just have to acually finnish the coursework.
That might help.

You Must Be Dreaming.

Everyone has such high hopes for me.
They all expect straight As at college this year.
I'm sorry to dissapoint.
But that wont be happening.

Hot Day

This weather is stupid.
Seriously stupid.
Its too hot to even breath.
And this is SCOTLAND.
It's not meant to be like this.
Its meant to be vaugly warm with a hint of sunshine.
Not 30C with clear skies.
ITS TOO HOT!

UGH!

Mind you the hot weather is good in a way.
Sat in the garden and read this afternoon.
Got a phonecall from an old friend last night.
Asking if I wanted to play guitar for her band.
I said yes of course.
WE had a jam today.
Just like the old days.
Can't believe how fast time has flown.
All I know is the ties of friendship are hard to sever.
I don't think we'll ever break ours.

Just like we said as well right,
"Us to the end our guitars in hand."
Too fucking right.

Thinking

I'm sick of feeling taken for granted.

Am I Right?

That you can not change this world.
Yet you can change the little things.
And to someone that little thing.
May mean the world.

Computers Suck.

It broke today.
Firefox was being a cunt.
On top of everything else.
It was just annoying.
Studying is getting me down.
I can't get anything right.
I give up with maths.
Gonna fail it.
I don't care anymore.
EnglishI'll fail as well.
Don't want to.
But there is no way I'll get everything done.
Then again Biology is the only thing I'm really fussed about.

EDIT: For all the joking we did about it.
I managed to get my phone stuck in German.
I don't speak german.
Anyone wanna help me?

Four

"I've had enough of loyalty oaths
and religious revivals
The gamblers debt, security checks
And the fight for survival
I'm getting out of this town
It's making me nervous
If this is the world
Where do we go to start again?

All of our hearts are beating
At a perfect time tonight
The sound is of thunder
And you people should wonder
How you're ever gonna shut up shop forever

All of our hearts are beating
At a perfect time tonight
You didn't think we could
You didn't think we would
But we did

I am not scared
I am prepared for what is coming
I want it all
I sent out a call
And now it's beginning
I'm out of time, I'm crossing the line
Whatever happens

All of our hearts are beating
At a perfect time tonight
The sound is of thunder
And you people should wonder
How you're ever gonna shut up shop forever

All of our hearts are beating
At a perfect time tonight
You didn't think we could
You didn't think we would
But we did"

Read All About It

Tiring day.
I spent all day in a perpetual state of shock.
A friend of mine ran away from home.
She left a note and took her car.
She had an argument with her mother.
And then packed her stuff and left.
And even though we fall out.
I'm still worried about you.
I have some of the best memories of us,
Dancing about the studio to our demo tracks.
Watching you fling yourself about a stage with your Bass.
Lis I hope your alright.
Where every you have gone.

I know we argued.
I know we ended up telling each other;
"I fucking hate you."
And then doors slammed.
Bands ended.
Music stopped.

But I still worry about you.
I still miss you.
I miss how you used to cheer me up every fucking morning.
We got off the bus and went behind the PE department.
Smoked a ciggie.
Then went to form class.
Went to classes.
Survived though to lunch.
Went down the village for lunch.
Smoked some more XD

Then there was the panto.
Some of the fondest memories of my time.
And I know we burnt bridges.
We both burnt them.
I should have forgiven you.
You shouldn't have believed what you were told.
But rumors were rumors.
And they take on a meaning.
Even if they are not real.

I hope your ok.
Where ever you are.
You know if you were in trouble.
I would still help you.
Ties of friendship are harder to cut than we think.
Strange how no matter how much someone hurts you.
If you really care about them.
You find it doesn't matter.

So why do I feel like shit then?

Ladybugs

I can't sleep.
And I have class in 8 hours.
Fuck.

Help Me

Who ever has the remote control for my life.
Hit the re-wind button.
I need to go back.

Yet Again.

I'm going to sit here and promise myself I'll make something of today.
When in actual fact I'll waste it away again.
That's all I seem to be doing without you here.
I can't stand to have you near me.
Still can't after what happened.
Then I look back to the times when we had fun.
I can see that smile on your face.
Hear that laugh.
I remember your jokes.
And I'm smitten again.
They were bad, bad jokes.
But still funny from your lips.
Do you see the mess you've put me in?
Caught between the past and the present.
In emerald dreams that never seem to last.
Did you know that I still sit here.
Wondering if you love me?
If you ever did?
Somethings just weren't meant to happen.
And it wasn't meant to end like this.
I wonder what I did wrong that caused this mess.
We're a train wreck.
Three broken hearts.
And a boy caught in the middle.
And I feel sorry for you.
Because I know...no I hope you didn't mean to do this.
Though they say everyone has a hidden side.
I don't know what to believe.
Half of me wants you to be evil.
At least then I could blame you.
The other half wants you to be the best boy on earth.
Then I could blame me.

I wonder.
Was I too fat?
Too quiet?
Too loud?
Too opinionated?
Then I realise it doesn't matter.
That this would have happened any way.
But I hope you two are happy.
Because loving someone is wanting them to be happy?
Isn't it?
Then I want you to be happy.
As happy as could be.
It's because I love you I'll let this all go.
Treasure the memories instead of wondering what could have been.
And I want you to smile.
Show her what its meant to be like.
Then I can move on.
And I need it.
So will you do that for me?
I guessed not.

"I guess its times like these remind me.
That I gotta keep my feet on the ground."

Invalid

Today WAS NOT productive.
In fact far from it.
I am thoroughly fucked.

Today WILL Be Productive.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.
A lie is every I wrote one.
Right seriously.
Need to study.
Or I am going to study today.
If I like it or not.
I will get dressed.
Go to the shop.
Get ciggies then STUDY.

I feel sick.
My head is killing me.
And my side feels like its being stabbed.
But I WILL STUDY DAMN IT!
I will pass these exams.
I will do it.

Then again my body just wants me to go back to bed,
XD.
Oh I love how my body screws me over.
In the most important part of the year.
My body decides to fuck with me.
Oh ~ how fucking ironic.

Oh dear god now I'm moaning.
Fuck this.
I have a play to learn and analize
Can't sit around on here all day whining can I?
Don't tempt me.
Or I will.
I'm procrastinating again.
Right I'm really away this time.
xxx

Name Me A Place And I'll Go

This place makes me tired.
Sick of peoples moans and whines.
About how crap their lives are.
And how there rich parents wont let them go to a concert.
These people have their lives handed to them.
Decorated up and all pretty.
With there upper class schools.
And sports cars.
There big houses.
And they don't care do they?
They don't know how lucky they got it.

I hope one day they find out.
How hard it is to live below the line.
Struggling to find the money for college.
Struggling to pass and make it in the world.
Because your life if what you make of it.
Its what you work for and struggle for.
They wont appreciate it.
Because they never worked for it.

I wonder why I am doing all this work.
Like fighting a losing battle.
But I realise.
That when I make it though this.
And I get up on that stage.
And I get my certificate.
And I pass.
And I can go to uni.
It will be all that sweeter.
Because I worked for it.
There's been blood sweat and tears in it.
Just keep your eyes on the end goal.
And keep going.

I'll make it in the end.

I Drive To Eliminiate The Ball I'm Chaned To.

....the fire alarm broke today.
Wouldn't stop going off.
Just kept fucking beeping.
And it wouldn't fucking STOP!
We ended up having to turn the mains elecky off.
Then disconnect the alarms.
It stopped.
Mind you by then it was 8am.
I think we woke half the street up.
Good if I can't sleep neither can they.

After four cups of coffee
And a cigarette in the garden.
I got in my car and went for a drive.
I do that, just get in my car and go.
One day I'll drive to the ends of the earth.
I love driving.
Its like being free.
I can go where I want.
And just run away from people.
One day I'll drive somewhere new.
Instead of visiting the same old thought spots.

Note To Self

It's 5.42am gmt.
I've been up for 25 hours.
Note To Self;
Insomnia's a cunt.
...
andI'm also really hungry.
But the kitchen is all the way down the stairs.

There Is Evil In Our World.

I woke up today.
Got dressed.
Went to college.
Sat though my lectures.
Drank energy drinks to keep me awake.
I laughed with people.
It was a good enough day.
There are some days like that.
Where you feel...happy?
But is it true happiness or just a fleeting visit from faux masks.
Biology this morning.
Boring as hell.
We sat and giggled up the back of the hall about Jackass.
Pointless really.
But for a while I had the illusion I was happy enough.
Either that it was just the caffeine.
I presume the latter.

Had an English exam this afternoon.
Scary to think my finals are only three weeks away.
And I feel no where near ready.
Some stupid closed book shit on some shitty play.
Stupid really.

People bother me.
I live my life avoiding certain ones.
One of them happened to get on the same train as me.
Stupid people.
They find any excuse to hurl abuse at you.
Sometimes I even believe what they tell me.
Just because it seems easier than fighting it.

Then we got on the bus to come up the road.
We were standing at the bus stop.
There was this woman with four kids.
She wasn't really old enough to have four kids by the look of it.
She looked older at first.
Then I realised she was no older than twenty.
She had four of them.
A toddler. Two of them in primary school. And one a bit older.
The toddler was walking around with a Daffodil.
He looked up at me with this sad expression on his face.
As his mother yelled at his sisters.

Then just stood there.
Looked down at the Daffodil.
And tore it to shreds.
Ripped it apart ever so brutally.
So young.
So full of anger.
They had dirty faces.
Running around wild.
As there mother hurled abuse.

They all got on the bus.
The toddler sat there and curled up on the chair.
Put his head in the corner as his mother snapped at him;
"Sit yer self doon properly ya muppet boi."
And then she started to her friend next to her;
"Look at the Packie on the bus.
In their Packie clothes.
With their fucking corner shops."
I wonder what will become of that little boy.
Will he become like his mother?
Will he come a hate filled boy?
Or will he even make it to adult hood?
Will he get an education?
Will he get the things kids deserve?

I don't really know.
But I know one thing.
All I know is I have this horribly empty feeling.
That little boy shouldn't feel like that at his age.
Like he's already seen the evils of the world.

Sad reality is he probably has.
Out town has it all.
To coin a phrase;
"Stomp out this disaster town."
It needs it.
I can't really figure out how to describe it to you.
I'm not very good with words.
So I'll let someone else do it instead;
"City of the dead.
At the end of another lost highway.
Signs misleading to nowhere.
City of the dammed.
Lost children with dirty faces today.
And no one really seems to care..."

Hold My Heart

I just saw the news.
About the shooting in America.
I don't understand how people can do that.
How they can be so sick.
I've just lost my faith in humanity.

Hold It Tight Till Dawn.

I didn't even bother going to bed last night.
Whats the point when I had to get up for class.
Calculus was a waste of fucking time.
We've finished the year course now.
So all that's left is studying our little buts off for the final.

I could have just slept all morning.
We sat there for an hour and a half and did NOTHING.
Then got told "well you can go home if you want.
Just tell me what you wanna go over in the next class."
Well.
I guess its better than sitting in that shitty room for 4 hours xD

So I got in my car and drove home.
Its only half an hour.
Its not that far.
But I got bored.
And I didn't have anything else to do.
So I decided to take a drive.
Just keep driving and see what happened.
So I drove up to the Rest And Be Thankful.
Best road in the country.
And I parked at the top of the hill.
And just sat in my car looking at the countryside.

I was just sitting there.
With the radio on.
And The Cure "Friday I'm In Love."
And I just sat and cried.
And I cried and I don't know WHY.
That's what bothers me.
The Cure are the only band that can reduce me to HAPPY tears.

~ I just can't understand why.
Its starting to bother me.
I guess it reminds me of him.
I know he's gone.
There's nothing in the world that will bring him back.
I stood by him as they lowed the coffin and yet it still hasn't sunk in.
I don't know quite what to make of its.
It's silly isn't it.
A year and a half later to still be thinking about it.
But I still miss him.
Every moment of every day.
He was my best friend.
He was the only guy that I knew who wasn't interested in one thing.
He was too good for the world any way.

But still I treasure every memory.
I never want them to fade.
I never want to forget them.
Because they were the only times I was truly happy.
I want to remember those times.
And smile.
And cry like I did today.
Even though I sat there and just cried.
I think I needed that time.
To try and accept it.
For the first time I told myself he was gone.
I didn't act like it never happened.

And I feel so much better for it.
Sometimes to move on.
I think you need to accept what happened.
And deal with it.
I think I need to do that.
I'll deal with it
I CAN do it.

"All that I have.
All that I hold.
All that is wrong.
All that I feel for or trust in or love.
All that is gone."

I See No Point.

I don't see the point.
Of pretending to be who I'm not anymore.
It's not got me anywhere.
I change who I am to fit in with people around me.
Because I'm terrified of being in this world alone.
The thought alone makes me want to.
Go down to the bridge.
And throw myself off it.

I doubt that anything here is real.
The people here are fake.
Fake like me.
So I guess I fit in.
In that case I guess I belong here.
But.
I don't want to be here.
I can't be here.
This town is killing me.
And it isn't even softly.

These Days Are Getting Old.

Have you ever felt...
As if your the only on in the world.
I get down when I see my friends.
They have their boyfriends and girlfriends.
Then I look at me.
Still searching and wanting just anyone to fill the empty space.
Then again.
They tell me its worth the wait.

Sometimes I can't understand how my moods shift.
Its half past three in the am.
Again I'm still awake.
I have too much on my mind to handle.
I have nightmares at night.
About what would happen if I failed college this year.
I can't afford to.
Yet I doubt I'm going to pass.

I always feel like I am behind.
Behind in every sense.
At college.
In life in general.

We had a BBQ for dinner tonight.
And I sat outside in silence.
On the grass in our garden.
And watched Venus appear in the twilight sky.
And I felt a flutter in my heart.
As a flock of birds flew over head.
And the tide was coming in on the river estuary.
The wind was warm - unusually warm for April in Scotland.

I sat and just stared around me.
And I had an Epiphany.
Theres so much beauty in this world.
But why do we always see the negative?
Why are we drawn to what is wrong.
Instead of appreciating what is right?
Its strange I know.
But I realised I can be such a negative person.
Mind you its punctuated by strangely optimistic bursts like tonight.
Maybe I should try to look for the positive more often.
Look at the doors that are opening instead of closing.
Maybe the change wont be so bad.
Everything happens for a reason.
Even though I have trouble dealing with that.
But I guess I'll just remember that moment.
Spring is a time of change.
I'm changing.
I just don't know if its for the good yet.
I'm not sure I want to know.

Dr. Dr. Give Me Something.

I woke up today.
After Three hours sleep.
Wondering what the hell was wrong with me.
I sat for a long time this morning.
In the small hours out in my garden.
Smoking a cigarette and looking at the river.

I preach to my friends.
About loving yourself.
And accepting yourself.
That to love life you have to love yourself.
Yet I don't.
I'm a hypocrite and a fake.
I am what angers me.
I am my own worst enemy.
I am the plague upon my town.
I am just as bad as everyone else.

I get so stressed out.
I get so irritated and angry at everything.
The florescent light outside my job.
Hums like an angel.
When you live in a place like that.
Your never alone.
Your a face in a sea of people.
Glowing in ultraviolet light.
Yet your insignificant.

Your one in a million.
Indistinguishable from the crowd.
Unknown and undiscovered.
Hoping one day.
Someone might come across you.
And set you free.
So for just one person.
You are the world.
That they see you.
And not the crowd.

I am drunk on my own words.
Of selfishness and deceit.
I deceive myself.
And others around me.
I'm like a poet on payday.

Tha a h-ule duan-eachdraidh.
Is mise a’ torit fuaim air bangam basganta, duanach.
Criteirachd.

What Am I To Do?

This place gets me down.
The world in general.
Sometimes I think to hard.
Read too deep.

I get so tired of all the crap that goes on inside these walls.
The yelling and the arguing why can't we all get on?
It feels as I am alone sometimes.
And the rest of the time I want to be alone.

I'm a mess inside.
Going round in circles.
Wondering what is going to happen to me?
After all this at college this year?
Next year were all going different places.
Things are changing and I'm terrified.
I've lived my life with these people.
17 years we've spent.
And next year will be the first we've spent apart.
Different colleges.
Different sides of the country.
I'll be alone.
I don't know anyone.
But I've made my decision and now I must go though with it.
Because this is my future.
A future I want to live.
I want to make the most of it.
I've worked hard to get it.
But whats the point if my friends are gone?
Its great achievement.
But you cant have a laugh with it when your down.
Or pass notes to it in the back of lectures.

Then again I talk crap.
I confuse my self more than you will ever know.
I've decided this blog shall remain Anon.
So I can spill it all with out people knowing who I am.
Because I don't even trust a diary in my room anymore.

Sad thing is its 3am and I'm not tired anymore.