Moderate

Sociability vs individuality and where do you draw that line? I’m always suck in between wanting to please the world and wanting to please myself, I can’t quite get the balance right. I’m lost in what seems to a revolving door that’s getting faster and faster. Caught between self medication and the inability to function normally. I don’t quite have my brain screwed on anymore. I don’t know who to tell you what’s wrong with me, where to start, where to take it to. I know you are there, don’t get me wrong I will never accuse you of that, but I don’t know how to get where you are, if you understand where I am going with this. They make it out to be so simple, so god damn straight forward, its not. I’m at war with myself, please ignored me when you see. I won’t tell you anyway. I’d make the world about you, because you deserve it. I’m suck between my mind and my heart and my conscience if I even have one. Numb to touch of the heart I’m not too good at this game anymore, I think I’m on my last life. I’ve tried to stockpile memories, I’m sick again, its not serious, c’mon and catch up with me. I can’t hold this up anymore, its too heavy to stop it falling. Glass looks so amazing broken, don’t you notice that. When the light catches the polarised crystals on the pavement they look like faux diamonds. The worlds left me behind, there is a life outside my room that I can’t find, this is the last that I have, this is all that I have left its slipping away from me, when will you all understand I am losing it already. I’m waiting to break, like the moment you hold that crystal ball and drop it. The slow motion as it leaves your hands and hurtles towards the earth at – 9.8ms-2 and I can see the moment of impact. Oh I miss you. You don’t know it. I miss the only member of my family who seemed to know right away what was wrong, I want my sister. It sounds so juvenile for fuck sake I am an adult right? I want my sister, I want to cry on someones shoulder, just cry and let it all out, I want to be able to tell her whats wrong. I feel almost like I’m breaking a promise to her, like I should be telling her all this, I promised never to hide it from you. I never have…I’ve just not told you. You did it too you moved on with you life, you made a life for yourself. In six months time all goes to plan I’ll be moving out. I’m so happy and yet so scared and I’m so excited but I don’t want to be on my own. I don’t want to live on my own, I don’t know how to get by that. I can’t sleep its like my brain doesn’t want to switch off anymore. I need to sleep, I can feel the lack of it clicking away on my keyboard at four am. I’m waiting for my mind to decided its had enough fighting me and give in. Its not like its that fucking hard is it. Its not like it could try and act normal for once. I’m not much of a person I guess, I’m not at all what you expect me to be. I’m bad for doing what I was told, I don’t take meds then I don’t take it right and then I take too much. I feel like I don’t care anymore. Does that make me heartless, I find the time in the spaces of my nerves between writing on paper and in my head, its not like I want to feel, sometimes I know in my head that I should care about this, but I don’t. I know some things should upset me and they don’t. I hate how I rely on a capsule sometimes I love the thought of knowing I can administer that when ever I feel. Sometimes I put my mind in a capsule just to see what it will do or what shit it will come up with next to just spite me again. You just want to be a tragedy, just dying to be tragic, just dying. I’d love to manipulate the mirror so I could make it show what I wanted, make it show you what I want you to see. Carefree in the bliss. It doesn’t work that way I know I wont fool you in to that, your are much too intelligent – you know the truth. If he heroes only love heroines then what am I and where so I fit in to the master plan, not so much the carriers and the rescuers more the left behind, the forgotten and unwanted. This wafe and stray doesn’t quite know what to do with herself anymore in the eerie silence of the night, there isn’t much at all to do, to say to feel. I’m not the most eloquent person, mealy a way to get it out my head, words will never be though to describe what goes on but it is an attempt at trying to be sane. I’ve been trying to count backwards all night to turn myself off and make the sleep take me one cell at a time but it doesn’t seem to be happening it all. Active in the midst of the world shutting down for the night, periodic state of paralysis. I’d love to suspend myself in it. If this was a movie the phone would be ringing to tell me everything is alright that someone out there listens to this foolish attempt to communicate. Tears spill from left and across to the right, its not as attractive as it is in the stories, you see the little girl with glinting eyes as the world tells her just how to survive. Its not like that in real life let me tell you that. All I can wait to do now is slip though the cracks and fade in to obscurity taking in to account that fact that I was never prominent anyway. I want to be touched in the heart, moved, truly moved and not like a pawn in a game. I’m just going to go for the easiest, because this is a ghost town, is it insane I keep my TV on loud so I don’t feel alone in my own room? This is just an incoherent ramble though time to waste time to make time to close my eyes and dream away the hope of tomorrow that I so readily need and never seem to obtain. This year has fallen cold, and bounced of tiles and gone insane to the point where reality is irrational fears and the thought of getting trampled on by my self. It seems to pick up to just drop again, bouncing like a ball, each bounce is shorter, slower, it seems to get so much easier to give up. Knock and tumble to stand up again, much easier to stay down again I think it is that way baby. I know you forget me, you only come running when it’s a stormy day, the cage didn’t spin the bird free, it locked it back up. Its locking me away ready to throw away the key.